Married But In Love With Another Man (12 Ways To Manage The Situation)

Last updated on June 12, 2022 by April Maccario

Quite often, marriage starts great. Then suddenly, without ever being able to place a finger at when or where things began to change, you wake up one morning with a growing sadness about the state of your relationship. Your partner isn't necessarily terrible in any overt way yet he isn't as focused on you as you had hoped. 

He may not necessarily be doing anything wrong, but somehow, you notice your heart is slowly drifting. Suddenly, you start to yearn for what you once experienced, immense love with someone else. You’ve probably stared hard at your husband and had that 'oh no, I'm in love with another man' moment.

Under the ideology of romanticism, you should trust your feelings, but this can be frustrating as our emotions are constantly shifting and evading efforts of rational clarification. It might help to have a set of questions to fall back on, some sort of checklist that you can dial up in your mind when you sit in despair before the sun rises. Here are a few suggestions that can help you make a decision.

12 Ways To Manage The Situation

1. Identify the disconnect in your marriage

It can be devastating to watch your relationship fall apart, but what's even worse is when you cannot point at why your marriage is failing, which is the trait of emotional disconnection. When emotional detachment occurs, it starts from seemingly meaningless moments such as a refusal from your partner to help throw the trash or assist with dinner.

Failure to meet up with these requests can build little resentment within you until you discover a gaping hole in your heart that yearns to be filled with the love of someone new. Reconnecting with your partner will require patience and perseverance. 

Have a discussion with him and ask about his concerns about your life together, ensure you air yours too, so your partner knows the little things he does that upset you. By engaging in a conversation like this, you will discover that slowly, the whole within your heart starts to shrink, and you may find yourself reconnecting with your partner.

2.Look within yourself

Most times, we expect to be loved unconditionally and perfectly. When we do not receive this kind of love, we spend a significant amount of time wondering if our relationships are healthy.

What we fail to do is to look within and see how we are contributing to the discord. 

It can be challenging to do this because we would be admitting to our flaws and accepting the hard truth that we are also sometimes modestly unbearable to live with. You should know how much of your unhappiness is truly tied to your husband otherwise, you risk the habit of continually repeating the same pattern with your love interest.

Perhaps, this unhappiness you feel is just the need to feel something different from another person.

3.Understand the role your core values play

Our values are the compasses in life that guide us towards what's right or wrong. These values set a standard for what we are willing and unwilling to do when faced with tough decisions. One reason a person in your situation would feel conflicted about what actions to take could be because of your core values. 

While they do not drive our actions, they tell us what is right or wrong. Allow your values to guide you into making the best decision for your situation. They can serve as a reliable road map, which will help you decide if you want to pursue your new love interest or remain with your husband. 

4.Decide if divorce is an option

You need to decide if you want to leave your partner. Possibly, the affair is just a filler in your mind's space and not something you want to pursue because following it through would mean considering the possibility of a divorce. 

Women remain in marriages for different reasons like finances, societal pressure, and their children's well-being. Ultimately, the decision to leave or stay lies in your hands, but it is essential to understand what lies ahead for your life. 

For instance, if you are a spiritual person, you may feel God will be unhappy as divorce goes against his intention for marriage, which should be this infinite partnership between two people. On the other hand, society will be disappointed and probably alienate you. 

Finally, the psychologists will warn you of the effects a marriage termination can have on children and how deeply and permanently scarred they will be. Understanding what lies ahead can help you determine if divorce is an option you want to contend with or if you will be better off with your new love interest.

5.Think about the consequences of your action

It may be difficult to fully grasp the consequence of your actions as no one knows tomorrow. Some people have left their partners and found happiness while others have remained in their marriages and were finally able to rebuild love with their partners. 

However, what you can do is weigh the pros and cons and think of all the things that could go wrong or right with the decision you choose to take. You have to accept that our decisions and choices in life affect other people, and those people include your kids, spouse, the families involved, the affair partner, and even your job. 

You may want to believe that you do not have much control, but it's a ripple effect on others, so choose wisely and be aware that the emotions that feel so convincing now may change in the future. Therefore, you must ensure you are not only led by your feelings.

6.Decide between hope and experience

The idea of being in a new relationship with someone else may feel exciting and invigorating. You feel like they understand you better and make you feel alive, but on the other hand, you probably still love your spouse (otherwise you wouldn't be reading this article). 

It is important to remember that emotions are nothing but psychological responses to the events happening around us, and they are neither good nor bad. On the bright side, they can be changed, but once again, it's all about seeking clarity.

You will need to examine yourself on whether or not you still want to be with your husband. How hopeful are you about recovering the intimacy you and your spouse once shared? If you could pick falling back in love with your spouse, would you? If the answer is yes, then you would be choosing hope over experience.

7.Recognize what Is real versus fantasy

Strangers have an odd advantage of coming off as a lot more attractive to us than our existing and long-established partners. This unwise tendency can sometimes inspire us to make sudden regrettable decisions. 

When we spot what we think is perfection, we blame our bad luck for the mediocrity of our lives, not realizing that we are mistaking asymmetrical knowledge for asymmetrical quality. We fail to see that our partners are not especially awful, and neither are they inferior to our new interest, it's just that we know them exceptionally well. 

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With familiarity, every little failure would be noted. You need to mind the secret realities of this new person and learn that beneath their charm, they are also normal beings - no worse or better than your current partner. Understand what real promises hold, so you don't go chasing a fantasy and end up losing something imperfectly real.

8.Realize that you will have to make a choice

For a moment, let's be direct and come down to the reality of things, sooner or later, you will have to make a choice, or it will be made for you. You will most likely have to choose from one of the following options; either let go of the affair and work on your marriage, come clean to your husband, find ways to rebuild trust, or wait for your husband to find out. 

Be sure you know where you stand and make a decision before circumstances or someone else makes them for you. If you decide to let go of the affair, you will most likely feel some sense of withdrawal but resist the urge to go back as this will only lead to more confusion. Be firm on your choice and focus on the future.

9.Evaluate your lover's feelings

Many of us have been in past situations where we were head over heels in love with someone, and we were willing to walk to the ends of the earth for them only to realize that they did not feel the same way. This can be especially demoralizing if we had taken drastic actions towards being with them, and now we are left with regret and sore wounds to lick alone.

You don’t want this to be your case so, make sure you reassess your lover's state of mind. Does he feel the same way? Are both of you on the same page? Does he even know you have a husband and if yes, does he understand the complexity of your marital life? 

By putting these questions into perspective, it will be easy for you to decipher if your lover is worth losing your husband.

10.Think about the loopholes in your marriage

For a good percentage of women, they cheat due to emotional neglect and disconnection, as mentioned earlier. However, there may be other reasons why you have decided to find solace in the arms of someone new. Re-evaluate these reasons to help you determine the loopholes in your marriage, can they be fixed? Is your marriage still redeemable?


Perhaps, these loopholes go against your core values as it places your marriage at a point where it seems irredeemable. However, if you realize your marriage is still redeemable, it would be best you give it a fighting chance to see how you both can return to being the loving couple you once were.

11.Make time to reconnect with your husband

Except you are in a marriage that is lined by irreconcilable differences, it would be best if you take out time to reconnect with your husband. Try to recreate your honeymoon, spice up your sex life, see a therapist, or confide in a close friend or family member about your marriage. 

Sometimes, we need a third eye to give us a better view of the state of things. 

Understand that relationships go through stages, and this may just be a rough phase for you and your husband, so forgive yourself first for falling in love with someone else and focus on fixing the damage.

12.Develop a genuine interest in your husband

A genuine interest in your husband would mean approaching them with empathy and kindness. Your aim is to understand their personality better so you can discover new things you love about them. If you are not sure of his love language, now is the time to study him and know it. Once you discover what it is, make every effort to communicate with him through this love language. 

Generally, when humans are treated right, we tend to reciprocate with love. So, if you want your partner to be more loving, show him more love. Devoting attention to your husband will help take away the thought of this other person and allow you to rebuild your marriage.


Can you love someone else while married?

Absolutely. It is possible to be married but in love with another man. Marriage does not provide any magical seal to our feelings and affections for other people. However, it is expected that you do not nurture those affections by giving them the time and space to gain root in your heart.

What happens when you fall in love with someone else while married?

When in love with another man, it is important to first look within your marriage to find out what loopholes exist, what benefits and promises your new love interest offers. You may discover that he holds no new or exciting promises, and what you feel is nothing but an infatuation.

What do you do when you are married but in love with another man?

I understand if you feel like you are in a tough situation that probably keeps you up at night. You should know that a decision will have to be made eventually, so it is best to make a list of the pros and cons of your marriage and decide from there.

Can a married woman have a crush on another man?

Crushes are normal and perhaps even permitted. Denying their existence would mean you are untrue to yourself because there will always be someone more attractive, ambitious, and funnier than your husband, but what you do not want to do is follow up every crush

What do you call a married man's girlfriend?

A married man's girlfriend would typically be referred to as a mistress. A mistress is a long term companion of a married man, and although there's no real commitment, they maintain a stable relationship and life together.


In Conclusion

People don’t go into a marriage hoping to fall in love with someone else, but sometimes, life happens, and we are faced with the painful and consequential decision to stay or leave the marriage. Remember that this decision ultimately lies squarely on you and your feelings, but make sure you think deeply before making a choice. 

If you found this article helpful, I would love to hear from you in the comment section and be sure to share it.

Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
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April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

One comment on “Married But In Love With Another Man (12 Ways To Manage The Situation)”

  1. I started dating my wife in high school.I then went off to basic training, but we stayed together for about five months. I came home for Christmas at about the five-month mark. She was a virgin and we were literally one inch away from having sex (at a friend's house), when the friend walked in on us and squashed it. My then girlfriend broke up with me days later because I was going back to the Army for the remaining one year and seven months. She dated other guys and remained a virgin until three months before I came home for good. In that three months she lost her virginity and slept with three guys. She was dating a fourth guy when I returned home and slept with him, so four guys in about four months. It should be noted that the first three guys were just hookups and nasty guys. The fourth she dated for awhile and while he turned out to be bad news, it doesn't bother me so much because they dated. I eventually convinced her to come back to me and have been together for 29 years since, married with three kids. I got over her past until I found out she was Googling the first three guys starting at least 25 years into our relationship and for about three years until I found out. The worst guy of them all she Googled constantly. During that time (before I found out about her searches) we had little to no intimacy. Now I have severe trust issues and can't get her past out of my head. I also found out she was more promiscuous in high school than just the sex, she hooked up with many guys short of intercourse. Another disturbing fact is that she always portrayed herself as innocent, with a good head on her shoulders and honest. I am not sure I can put the past behind me. But we have such a long history and kids. -Lost

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