My Husband Puts His Ex-Wife First (10 Reasons Why He Does This)
Are you married to someone who was previously divorced?
Is he still communicating with his ex-wife, and is this confusing you?
Maybe it’s even upsetting you or making you suspicious about his intentions…
If so, I’m so happy you’ve found this guide. Below, you’ll find 10 reasons why your husband may be giving all this attention to his ex-wife. Most of them are completely innocent.
However, if you are suspicious about your husband getting up to some dodgy dealings behind your back, you may be interested in this online communications tracker tool.
This tool is being used by men and women across the globe to keep tracks on their partners.
With just a few of their details entered into the algorithm, this tool will be able to show you details of who they’re contacting, how often, what apps they’re using and a hell of a lot more.
It’s completely discreet, and that’s why so many worried husbands and wives have started using this intelligent tool.
The fact your husband contacts his ex-wife frequently might not be a huge cause for concern though. Not on its own, anyway.
Check out my list to find out why.
Contents
- 1 My Husband Puts His Ex Wife First - Why?
- 1.1 1. They Have A Child Together
- 1.2 2. He’s Trying To Minimize Conflict
- 1.3 3. He Has Some Lingering Feelings
- 1.4 4. He May Be Naturally Submissive
- 1.5 5. You Were Too Busy Walking On Eggshells
- 1.6 6. His Parents Love Her
- 1.7 7. She's Richer Than Him
- 1.8 8. She Might Not Be Over Him
- 1.9 9. You May Be Blowing It Out Of Proportion
- 1.10 10. They Share A Whole Lot
- 2 FAQs
- 3 Altogether...
My Husband Puts His Ex Wife First - Why?
1. They Have A Child Together
If there’s a child involved, then best believe you signed up to have that woman in your face. Sure, there are some boundaries that should not be crossed since their romantic relationship is over, but she is going to be a strong presence - after all, she is the mother of his kid, not only an ex-wife. I’m not saying it won’t be challenging, dealing with the ex wife of your boyfriend, or husband is huge.
All the child support, among other things, will be constant reminders that your partner was involved with his ex wife. But make sure you keep it in mind that being a good mother or father means that there needs to be constant communication. On that front, you need to take a step back any time it involves the child they have together.
It's hard enough that they have to pay child support and have their entire life cut in two. So, if this is the case, try not to pile on with any lingering insecurities. Imagine how hard it is for your husband to deal with the fact that he’s stuck in the middle. So, try to see their relationship for what it is, a platform to provide a loving environment for their kids.
2. He’s Trying To Minimize Conflict
This is dependent on the kind of relationship your partner had with his former spouse. Were they always at wits end? Was there a whole lot of arguing involved? Even more, did they create a toxic environment for their kids? If this sounds quite familiar then that complicated relationship might be the reason he is treading on eggshells. He may not want to suck you into all the drama he had to deal with.
It sounds like an excuse doesn’t it? The fact is that he lived with this other woman for quite some time. He has probably learned how to deal with her shenanigans over time and placating her may be a way to do that. It's not ideal though, this situation may start to feel like he is choosing to be on her side a lot more. In fact, you’ll join the long list of women who complain saying, ‘my husband defends his ex wife’.
Like I said earlier, this is not ideal at all, he needs to learn how to create a balance. Nevertheless, nagging will not help him reach that conclusion. Here are my two cents, look for a neutral party, someone you both respect that could speak to you two. Sometimes, hearing what the situation is doing to your marriage from a third party helps put things into perspective.
3. He Has Some Lingering Feelings
Nobody wants this to be a reality in their marriage, but it happens every now and then. You see, this is the mother of his kids, they share more than just a few years. They created a life together. As I mentioned earlier, it's a bit more complicated when they are parents.
So, it's not out of the question to look for signs he still loves his ex wife. For all you know, he could still be hung up on her. Before I proceed, I just want to say that this does not necessarily mean he doesn't love you too. Sure, he’s your husband and should have dealt with that before putting a ring on it, what can we say, he’s human.
So, here’s the thing, if he’s still in love with her, she will be involved in everything. This includes things she has no business knowing. Think about it as a ‘Lucius and Cookie’ type situation. If you watch the TV show, Empire, it's so obvious through the love and the hate that those two were still madly in love. They don’t even have to be nice to each other.
4. He May Be Naturally Submissive
Cast your mind back to when you started dating, wasn’t it fun to have all your whims and desires fulfilled before you even thought about them? Wasn’t it equally nice to always get your way?
Well, if you’re in a ‘my boyfriend lets his ex control him’ situation, his mild manner has come back to bite you in the behind, such is life. There are men out there who (I’m sorry to say) have no backbone. First, note that there are some people in general that find it hard to say no. But this is a slippery slope, it’s all fun and games until your husband or boyfriend runs off to pick his former partner when you also need a ride.
This is one thing you really should not condone because this type of behavior will make it hard for you to set boundaries. If there is one thing you need in a relationship like this, it’s clear cut boundaries. Believe me when I say that issues like this can ruin a solid relationship. So, in this case, it is more than imperative that he learns how to draw a line somewhere. This will make for a better relationship with your blended family.
5. You Were Too Busy Walking On Eggshells
Now, I’ve never been in a situation where my boyfriends ex wife controls him. But, there are a lot of things that I’ve let slide at the beginning because I wanted some peace in my life. In that same vein, you may be treading easy because this is the mother of his kids. Don't get me wrong, it's good to be polite, this is one person you need to have a cordial relationship with.
But, letting a handshake extend past the elbow is totally uncalled for. All in all, try your best not to go overboard in a bid to maintain peace. Your husband could see this and view it as a go-ahead to let a whole lot slide.
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I know it's not an easy thing to do, blended families are a lot of work. But you have to go right in with your boundaries. If you let too much time lapse, you'll have a very weird relationship with her. Note that you have to do this as politely as possible. Don't go in there ready to pop off anytime she disagrees with you. Best believe that if you do this, your husband will have a better idea of how to deal with both of you.
6. His Parents Love Her
If you marry into a tight-knit family, then best believe you're marrying the whole family. In the same vein, your spouse's former partner married into the family. If they love her and are still warming up to you it may have a strain on your relationship with just about everyone. It will go quite a distance to influence your husband's behavior.
This may seem like something out of a sitcom, but believe me when I say that this happens a lot. If your husband is quite involved with his extended family, it's not unusual for him to agree with them a whole lot. He may not even know when he's constantly siding with everyone beside you, so this is one situation you need to handle delicately.
Do you know what makes it even worse? 'Being a daughter-in-law can be trickier than a son-in-law', says Ian Kerner in this article. So, imagine being the daughter-in-law his parents dislike openly. Best believe that your man won't even know when they sway his decisions.
Nevertheless, it only becomes a major problem when you've brought up the topic and he brushes it away. Not only is that suspicious behavior, but it's disrespectful too. In every marriage, it should be both of you against the world, and that includes his parents.
7. She's Richer Than Him
It seems like a petty thing to lord over anyone, but you've probably lived in this world for a while and seen worse. Thanks to millions of years of conditioning, it's still a touchy issue when a lady makes more than her man. It simply causes some sort of imbalance in their relationship. Altogether, if his ex-wife was the richer of both of them and likely had the main bank account register in her name, then it could be one of a couple of options.
First, he could have been emasculated constantly in their marriage and it stuck. This relates to the 'He may be naturally submissive' caption above, except in this case he beat himself into submission. But don't further beat him up about it, the society at large is to blame.
A survey conducted by the Pew Research Center resulted in '40% Americans saying it’s extremely important for a father to provide income for his children, but just 25% saying the same of mothers'. So, he was already semi-doomed going in. On the other hand, his ex-wife could have lorded it over him.
Either way, your man probably thinks he has no choice but to go along with whatever she says. Again, establishing boundaries will help all of you set a tone.
8. She Might Not Be Over Him
That pretty much seems like her problem right? Wrong, it's your problem too because she's probably going to insert herself in your lives. Now, don't get me wrong, not all women who have a thing for a former lover will try to disrupt their present lives. Some of us are pretty mature and know when an end is an end. On the other hand, some females out there are ready to stir the pot on cue.
So, the fact that he's moved on and is now with you is not a hindrance to a person like this. Let me paint a picture here, any woman that is ready to wreck the marriage of the man she was once married to is probably manipulative. She will be increasingly ready to play all sorts of mind games. As such, it could end up looking like your man is putting her first.
In actuality, he is, but you need to be really observant to realize he's being played. What's the simple solution here? Set those boundaries from the get-go.
9. You May Be Blowing It Out Of Proportion
First, let me start but saying there are definitely a lot of situations where an ex-wife or girlfriend is too involved. Likewise, there are some situations where you expect them to be too involved and react every time they even breathe near your home. Don't give me that look, you know we're a crazy breed.
I get it though, this man you love so much, was once in love with someone else. He loved her so much, he probably married her, had a kid, or at least moved in with her. It's scary to think that person will be a permanent fixture in your life. So, it's not out of the ordinary if you get a little protective or paranoid. If this is the case, you need to step back and breathe.
Getting married again is a big deal for most men, especially if they have kids. So, if he married you, he loves you a whole lot. You should equally be able to discuss your concerns with him as he's the only person who can make you feel secure.
Being married practically means you have to share just about everything. Sure you have your own life, but somehow you end up having friends in common, you share money, you share food, heck the kids belong to both of you. This list does not even begin to cover it all. In a nutshell, all this sharing makes for quite a tight bond.
So, let's say the divorce wasn't messy and they're still pretty close. It's going to take a while to reset the whole situation. You may be wondering why he did not deal with all that before bringing you into the picture. Well, let me let you in on a not-so-secret secret, men don't think as we do.
All in all, if you feel like his former boo is a little too close for comfort, bring it up with him. Point out the ways in which they are being inappropriate because he may not even see it.
FAQs
How Do I Deal With My Partners Ex Wife?
As much as you can, try to concentrate on your relationship with your husband and not the one he has with his former partner. Stay out of their drama because it predates you and butting in will never end well. Nevertheless, do not hesitate to create boundaries, she needs to know that there are some things she can’t do.
How Do You Know If He Still Loves His Ex?
This may seem counter-intuitive, but for the most part, he will still be angry at her. It may not be the expected show of emotion, but it's an emotion nonetheless. If he’s truly over her, he will be at peace with their separation. Also, if he talks about her endlessly, that’s a major sign that he’s still hung up on her.
Is An Ex Wife Still Considered Family?
You may not like this answer, but it's yes. Think of it this away, they built a life together and that does not go away overnight. Even more, if they have a child or children together, that makes the bond even stronger. Of course, this does not mean she can overstep, every family member has their limits and roles.
How Do You Tell If He's Not Over His Ex?
Besides the fact that he’s evidently still angry at her, he can’t stop yapping on about her. It may be in annoyance, but if she can still push his buttons, perhaps there’s still a spark somewhere. Despite all this, he is constantly quite protective of her and does not like it when anyone else slanders her.
How Do You Know If He's Over His Ex Wife?
For one, she can no longer rattle him even when she goes overboard. He’s equally quite comfortable confronting his past, you’ll never see him fret from it. She does not randomly come up in conversation and also does not show up at your place uninvited. That’s because he has set firm boundaries.
Altogether...
This is a tricky situation and you can’t exactly ask your partner to cut his ex-wife off. With all the information I’ve provided here, you can really get to the bottom of this. In that vein, I hope you found this information helpful and if you have, do drop a comment below. Even more, share this gem with someone who is also having issues with their partner’s behavior towards the ex-wife.
Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
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13 comments on “My Husband Puts His Ex-Wife First (10 Reasons Why He Does This)”
Hi April! Thank you for writing this wonderful article. There are a few sections that genuinely helped me. I already knew why these things were happening, but reading it in black and white made me realize I am not (totally 😉)crazy for feeling the way I have been feeling.
I am an xwife and I do not impede upon my ex husband's relationship. Communication has been kept between my daughter and I since she was 5 years old. She is now 31. Some ex spouses dont know how to set boundaries, which this article does not emphasize. Maybe I should write one 😂. The bottom line is learn how to move forward. If you keep going back and forth without training folks how to respect your new life, you will forever be stuck in neutral and experience more stress than necessary. New wife, new life. Children adjust and can develop soundly. especially when LOVE is primary!
I am so glad you wrote this as I have experienced first hand an ex wife and my partner with no boundaries and the excuse of kids and I have it say it caused chaos for all and confusion for the kids. My ex husband and I have firm boundaries but a great friendship and respect for each other and because of this they have accepted our new partners . We both firmly encourage them to show respect for the new person and this has kept harmony for all. At the beginning if my ex husband crossed boundaries I kindly reminded him. He is a very strong personality but still as a softer woman I have been able to ensure the privacy and boundaries of a new relationship and so has he .
Hello, I wanted to find my answer on your article but couldn’t. Thing is, my partner & I aren’t married. We live together & have been an item for 16 yrs. He won’t divorce his wife for financial reasons & even moved her into the house adjoining ours. My partner & I argue bitterly about it, he says I’ve mental health issues, I say I’m this way because of putting up with feeling 2nd best.
I feel suffocated by his choices. I also feel angry at myself for allowing this situation to happen, although he’s surreptitiously done most things.
This might not be the answer you want to hear, but if he is not divorced after being together with you for 16 years find the strength to leave him. It will be hard, but the best decision you will ever make because at this point and with the current relationship he will never leave his exwife. I mean why would a guy give up his current house if he can just get a vacation home from you for free? He get’s to have his cake and eat it too in your current situation, and the only way to change the status quo is to stand your ground and respect yourself. Don’t put up with it.
The only chance you will have at him actually divorcing his exwife is if you actually break up with him. But, to be honest, if he has been stringing you along this long, you deserve someone better honey and trust me, there is better out there and you will find it with time, patience, and strength. You deserve the life you want and the romance of your dreams.
Hi! I absolutely loved reading your article. I have a question about my relationship... My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and his ex wife has been there every step of the way. She’s at EVERY family event his family have and whenever there’s a family event out of town, they ride together and I usually find out about the event afterwards? He claims there’s nothing there but his ex wife helps him look after the child that caused their divorce. I’m at my wits end because of the situation and the last straw was his grandchild had a birthday party and he and his ex wife and the child along with the conceived child all rode together to the party. His mother called me and told me so I know for sure.... when questioned about it, he tells me that they drove separately. Based on the pictures and just my gut feelings I know they rode together but he’s still denied it! I told him that we were done until he can be honest with me. But he’s still calling and acting like there’s not a problem with us. So I guess my question is.... do I cut it off completely and block him or what? I love him but this situation is draining. I just can’t understand why his ex wife is such a priority over my feelings. I don’t attend any family events because she’s always there. So he has the best of both worlds so to speak. I’ve expressed to him numerous times how this makes me feel yet nothings changed. Please give me some advice!!
Hi I love reading your article it has help me a little but my live in boyfriend would sneak around talking to his ex wife she lived out of state so I would go with him when his son graduated from high school every time he would see her he always wear sun glasses so I guess I would not see how he felt about her cause my intuition was right I think they never got over their divorced funny thing she was the one who cheated and wanted the divorce
he was only married five years I would say now fifteen years divorced they are inseparable I find it weird he treated me bad we never did anything sat around the apartment he said we were going to do all these thing never did but soon as ex wanted another house he threw her 15,000 I was never going to be his priority I have left now cause all he did was lie to me I was getting mental cause I felt what was going on it’s been over a year I left I still think how stupid I was to believe him to me he was still emotional attached to his ex wife.
Hi April,
I loved this article, it’s a minefield of emotions dealing with an ex wife and family so thank you so much for sharing! It’s so reassuring to hear others go through a similar thing as sometimes I am up all night feeling like I’m going crazy!
Both my husband and I have ex partners (both married and I am divorced), I have 2 young children and he has 1 from the previous relationships. We all live together and have such a close, happy family life in main.
My relationship with my ex wasn’t amicable for the first part of our new relationship but it’s better now. We are completely separate as far as finances are concerned, we both earn equally and so I don’t need additional help from him. We have my kids 80% of the time and we only communicate every now and again re the kids.
My boyfriends ex wife works part time at a low paid job so for the first 2 years of our relationship he paid for everything for her (house, bills, hair appointments, food, tv, luxuries- everything!). When the house finally sold a few months ago he gave her 80% of the equity, bought her a house (mortgage free!) and now continues to pay her £500 a month. We have his son 80% of the time and so no maintenance is due and we pay for anything his son needs. That money is purely for her. We are by no means rich, he was recently made redundant and is using the 20% equity he has left to fund her every month, we don’t own our own house- she is by far better off than us although having said I work full time and we have everything we need. I just don’t understand why we, as the primary care givers are stretching ourselves so thin to ensure she has the best life possible.
He also does everything, I mean everything. He drives 100+ miles a day to get his son to and from school (when she works there and lives 5 minutes away), she messages him every day and he has to do everything for her. Right down to making phone calls on her behalf to organise her life. She has very little interest in seeing her son either. He approached her about a divorce last year and she refused, they’ve been split up a long time so he can just file but despite saying he will, he still hasn’t.
I get on fine with her, in main she doesn’t really cause any trouble (I mean why would she?) other than the occasional comment which I try to ignore. But I find it hard to handle that we have to structure our life to ensure she doesn’t have to lift a finger in any aspect of hers.
Whenever I bring it up that maybe she could do more to contribute, (and trust me I try to do this tactfully!) he shuts me down. He takes any slight negative tone toward her as a criticism of him and quite frankly that makes me feel second best and that he’s ultimately defending her. It makes me feel that I’ll never be as important to him as she is. Indeed “it should be us against the world” surely? I can’t mention anything about her without it creating an argument and so not being able to vent my frustration and feeling like I’m the only one that’s sees she’s taking advantage is really getting to me. He just doesn’t understand my view at all! I admire he’s a good person and I don’t actually think I’d resent everything he did, if he just acknowledged occasionally that she’s not behaving fairly. It’s the defending her that’s the issue, putting her before our family and thinking it’s her entitlement to ask for anything she wants. I also want to raise the subject of divorce as it was months since he last raised it but I don’t want to cause an argument and if he wanted to divorce her he would right?
Our relationship is perfect in every other way, we are best friends, we talk all night about every other topic, we laugh and we do everything together - he is the best man I’ve ever known- which makes it so hard to have this thing in our relationship that we are so disconnected about. I know he loves me and I know he doesn’t want to be with her and I also know he will always feel her in a certain way (they were together 16 years and she mothered his child), I just can’t shake this feeling, when he defends her that I’ll never be his number one (behind his kid obviously- as a parent I know they have to come first, always!). He’d rather argue with me than hear anything about her. I don’t want to cause trouble and I never have and never would between them. I understand how important it is to be amicable, I get that, but I want him to set clearer boundaries and put our family first. I just don’t know to get him to appreciate my feelings on this.
This is the longest post I’ve put on anything, ever, so I’m sorry but as you can tell I have no one else to talk to about this and I need some advice! Am I being unreasonable? Am I just jealous? Please help!
I just hate it when I see a comment asking for help on a topic that would help me as well yet no one replies to it. I doubt I'll be much help other than I am in the same boat. And about to unleash the venting...
The difference between our stories is being my guy is my boyfriend, we are not married and the kids mother and my boyfriend were never married. They have a 16 year old kid together. We all live on the same property. Their son goes between the two homes freely since we are only 50 feet from one another.
The ex's home is a 2br 1 bath separate house in Napa county. This home is 100% free for her. She pays for nothing. No rent, no mortgage, no gas, no electricity, no garbage, not even food or TV! Only thing she pays for is her cell phone bill. They were never even married. California does not have common law marriage. Meaning even if a couple has been living together for many years when they break up, no one owes alimony. If they share a child then one parent will pay child support to the other. It usually works out to be the father.
But my bf's ex does not work. She goes through bf's like underwear. She can't keep one longer than a month. She is a vile person. She has robbed me, assaulted me, vandalized my cars, made false police reports on me..you name it she's done it. Yet she is still allowed to live for free 50 feet away from us. He still does things for her that has nothing to do with their 16yr old son. I am 100% okay with anything that involves him and offer my help whenever I feel it's safe and would be helpful to do so.
But the ex recently totaled her car (3rd in a row) because she partied too much the night before and fell asleep at the wheel. She can't afford a new car and is too stuck up to just by a cheap one which my bf's mother did but she won't drive it because it's not a super nice car. So the ex has been using my bf's truck. I'm fine with that if she's taking their son to the doctors or school or whatever he needs. But she's using it to go to the casino and just cruise around (and not filling the gas tank up afterwards). I told him he needs to set boundaries. She is not his girlfriend anymore and so he doesn't need to be helping her enjoy life. She lost her wheels because she isn't responsible. He's only enabling this behavior by giving her his truck. It's pissing me off cuz I don't understand why he would help her out even more than he already is.
I've got one foot out the door. He's too much of a pu#@y to just tell her the truth. All he has to say is "I don't want you using my truck. You have a bad record with crashing cars. You drive unsafely and you don't respect me enough to fill my tank back up. And I think I do more than enough for you already."
She shouldn't even be here! Their son is old enough that his parents don't need to be living 50 feet from one another. My bf doesn't and hasn't EVER needed to provide everything for her. His only responsibility is his son. The ex is suppose to take care of herself. We have been arguing about this for years. She's been living here for 10 years! If she had half a brain she would have been working this whole time and saving money to one day buy a house or condo of her own and hopefully 100's of miles away! But she is way too selfish and stupid to ever have thought of that.
My bf claims when his son is 18 that the ex won't be in our lives starting then. I highly doubt that tho. If I make it another 2 years and this isn't true, then I will definitely leave my bf, so either way she will be out of my life for sure...in 2 years..ugh.
Hi April, I read your article carefully and I found my situation is similar with your words described. My husband has 2 kids with his exwife. His exwife had affairs over 10 years when they married, however, he choose to forgive her because he doesnt want his kids are involved in their drama life. However, he has no firm boundaries to his exwife, actually he has no boundaries to kids, ex-girlfriends as well.....The more important is he has no any awareness of this. His exwife manipulate him by using kids in finance aspects, meanwhile, she doesn't educate to appreciate dad's supporting. If the daughter cant get what she wants, she starts to be a very mean person. The daughter is 22 years old. In order to not lost the kids, he has to follow their desires and pay. His daughter told him that she didnt ask him to marry with a bitch, if I stay at his home, she will never come in. (she doesnt know the house was purchased by both me and her dad.) I feel very disappointed about my husband, he has no backbone at all. Its a very stressful life.
My partner of 7 year's was friends with her ex for the first 6 year's of our relationship. He is not the father of her children and they had no children together. She text him almost daily, liked almost all of his post's on Facebook and he even asked her for nude pictures twice. She didn't send any but didn't tell him it was inappropriate either not mention stayed friends with him. We split up 3 time's and every time we got back together she promised she was done with him only to contact him a month later. Finally a year and a half ago she stopped. But I told her that with all that they shared will we were together it was an emotional affair. She would contact him when we would fight. She refuses to admit it. I don't know how to get past this.
My husband went to another state for 12 days for a vacation but I found out he went to the house that we owned but we sold it to his ex-father-law for next to nothing. His ex wife live there and they had been sleeping together for 12 nights like husband and wife. I called him back home by forced expecting that I will divorce him because of what he did. They were only married fir 9 years and have 2 kids of their own and while my husband was working she was cheating on him and got pregnant with the third kid. She filed for divorced and after 1 year we meet and we got married. My husband ended up paying child support for all 3 kids until they were 18-19 years old. She ended up with 2 more kids with different fathers for missing around. She ended up married to someone then have with no. 6 child. The guy divorced her but sadly got sick and died. Now she keeps in contact with my husband after they have live together for 12 days and wanted to get married. They are talking to each other secretly but for some reason he tells me. WHY? Does he want me to get away from him so they can get back together. He tells me his ex wife is expert sexually and that she is beautiful when she was young but now not so much but he is hung up on her. I thought he was a good man apparently a cheater. He said once a cheat always a cheat. We are now senior citizen and have grown kids.
I agree with everything in this article and find it helpful except the point that the ex-wife is family. She does not always have to be considered family for the husband or his now wife. She is the step kids’ family and always will be. Family can be chosen or found, like families that have adopted kids or children that have disowned abusive parents. It doesn’t always come down to blood.
If the exwife is abusive to her exhusband and now wife, they do not have to consider her family. I think it’s important to be cordial and respect the exwife as the children’s mother, but that doesn’t mean she gets to have the same access to her exhusband or current wife’s life like their own families. I think this point will lead a lot of stepmom’s to believe they have to give up a lot of themselves for their spouses’ ex because they have to consider this ex family. An exwife is just like an exgirlfriend. The only difference with kids is that they will always have something linking them, so they need to set their differences aside to come together for something more important than their own feelings. Everything else can be separated and does not need to be involved in the current relationship the husband is in.