Being in a relationship is nice and beautiful, expectedly, if that relationship is progressing to marriage, there may be some wedding jitters and tension surrounding the ceremony. However, the craziness of the wedding has passed and the husband is not focusing on the fact that you both chose to spend forever with each other, but keeps probing about your past lovers.
The rationale behind not giving it too much thought at first is valid… until it stops being valid.
Yes, I said that it gets to a point when you start raising your brow because the questioning, reference, or comparison to a particular person you once dated becomes a tad too much, and you start feeling uncomfortable or outright irritated, understandably so.
Past relationships can also be a very touchy subject and humans are intricate beings, our minds work differently. This article will explain in detail why it might or might not be a problem and show you how to navigate conversations about past lovers with your husband, and hopefully preserving that beautiful union you both decided was worth forever.
He really doesn’t want any secrets to exist between you two, perhaps you are married to that sweet and sensitive guy who wants to share his whole world with you and have you do that sweet and sensitive guy who wants to share his whole world with you and have you do the same. He is very assured of your love for each other and obviously you chose him over everyone from your past so he doesn’t have any worries.
Your husband may just want to lay the right foundations going forward so that you will never be hurt again. Maybe if that very dramatic scene from telenovelas were to ever happen to you; where an ex walks up to you cockily and attempts to strike up a conversation, your husband would know how to rise to the occasion, and act around someone you probably had past sexual experience with.
Giving a general overview of your past relationships will help each other understand better the people you have become. All the decisions of your past led up to this moment of intimate soul sharing. In this case, you might want to maximize the opportunity without giving your partner reason to question your commitment to the relationship.
Jealousy is one of the main emotions that drive people to do the crazy things they do, regardless of the underlying factors that could have caused it. In many cases, partners’ don’t like to imagine that you shared your body with someone else, even though the fingers on both hands wouldn’t account for their personal body count.
That idea often leads to deep burning feelings of jealousy, and the unbearable need to ask you about a long time flame that didn’t last or past boyfriends whose rings you aren’t wearing. In this case, without actually saying the words, he wants you to cast aspersions on every other partner you have had in order to assuage himself and make him the best lover you could have ever had.
Tread very carefully, this is dangerous territory, you want to assure him that he has nothing to be jealous about, however, you also want to establish firmly that you do not appreciate the constant referrals to relationships that ended a long time ago. As I’d earlier stated, personalities differ and so you may want to gauge the atmosphere to know the best time to broach the subject.
Hold up! Before you get irritated or angry, you may want to consider that the reason he may be inquisitive about your sexual past is that he has insecurities about his sexual prowess. If he has heard you describe a past lover, he may feel perhaps you had it better with the other guy.
I can tell you for sure, that is not a great take-off for any marriage, you may need to remind him for a while that you chose, and not just settled for him, and would choose him a billion times over if you had the chance. This must happen in an environment of trust and empathy for his concerns while learning how to accept the past of your partner and vice versa. If discussions are not made with care, then, you may unwittingly be laying the foundation for marriage problems in the future.
Sister, if your past keeps bubbling to the surface of your marriage by the incessant mention of an ex-boyfriend, being overly excited in the presence of an ex, or worse yet, texting and calling your past lover, your husband is bound to make inquiries. Don’t blow him off or try to make trivialize his concerns, because you feel wanted when he gets jealous.
You are, in fact, giving him fodder! It is not okay to navigate every subject towards an incident that took place a long time ago in your past. So, double-check with yourself first, and ensure you’re not giving him the opportunity to pry further into your former love life.
Another reason your husband may be okay discussing your experiences with past lovers could be that he is confident both in himself and in you. Take pleasure in that, you both have bonded and shared every aspect of your lives with one another that he knows what makes you tick and getting to know how in heavens you settled for mismatches before you two met.
No need to feel uncomfortable, this man is rooting for your marriage. If it goes on for longer than you appreciate, you should broach the subject with him, and not in an aggressive manner. Let him know that every person you dated before him is in the past, and should stay there, while both of you focus on the present and future of your relationship.
Watch out! You may be married to an egotist; your husband could be making fun of you and your past decisions, insinuating that he is the savior of your life which might otherwise have been wretched. It’s unfortunate, but some people take delight in hurting others’ self-esteem, whenever they hear you complain about something they do, they bring up the past.
If this is the case, and you have to constantly hear about how all your ex’s sucked and how he’s the best thing you ever had, it could eventually damage your ability to trust him with sensitive details of your life for fear of abuse.
Hoo boy! I hope this is not the case, but if it is, take a deep breath and a step back, then verbally remind yourself of all the reasons you are great, worthy, and valuable. Remember, you cannot control the actions of others, but you certainly can determine your response. It helps that you study him to know how he responds to different scenarios and with time, you may be able to turn things around for good, till then, soldier up!
Regaling him with tales of your sexual escapades with past lovers could be a turn on for him. This may be alarming, but don’t be so quick to judge, you should know and understand your husband and his sexual fantasies. After your narration, there may be follow-up questions like, “did you enjoy it?”, “How big was he?”, “How would you like it if I did that to you?”.
He may proceed to re-enact those pleasurable memories for you but this time, riding himself into your sexual memory so that all you would ever want is him. This is a heads up, your intimacy together is going to be spicy and never boring. For this to be enjoyable for you both though, you have to actually enjoy it. If you don’t, this is a good time to have ‘the talk’ with your husband.
You may perceive it as him badgering you, but deep down in your husband’s heart, he wants to know everything he needs to about the person or people that hurt you before so that he may ensure that he does things differently and somehow protects you from getting hurt again, and by one who adores you to pieces worse still.
You know your husband, yes, you may not be privy to every detail of his life, but you know his heart. You are his most treasured prize, trust his commitment to protect you like he said he would in his vows. Start with the little things and work your way up to the weighty matters, if it hurts to hear him bring up a former relationship so much, then lovingly discuss this with him and let him know how you feel.
If your partner is really just looking out for you, you’ll see it in his body language, and hopefully his efforts to focus on loving you in the present.
For the benefit of all concerned, it is always best to tell your husband about your past relationships. It helps lay the foundation for trust in the marriage and covers you in the event of any crazy or implicating previous sexual encounters that could haunt you in the future. However, he does have to learn to respect boundaries and not ask for any gory details,especially if it makes you uncomfortable.
It takes a certain level of maturity and trust for these kinds of conversations to take place. The manner in which one speaks about his/her past flames is deeply revealing as to their present mental state. If there is anger, obviously there are unresolved complexes, if it is indifferent or with the occasional fondness, you know that is one door that has been firmly and amicably shut and for which you never have to worry about.
If your husband continues in the ways he displayed affection for you during courtship, then that’s a good sign. Some men have the opinion that if they provide for their wife and the home, that’s enough to show love in the marriage. Taking responsibility is often misconstrued as love in a marital relationship, so if your husband loves you and does things like; relieve you of certain burdens like cleaning the house or bathing the kids, or still deliberately plans date nights and romantic dinners, then he still adores you.
Marriage bonds people in heart, soul, and body, and so, despite the hurt, inflicted on each other, that bond still tugs at them. However, there are no hard and fast rules to this, missing his ex-wife does not automatically translate to wanting to get back together with her. It might take him a while to sort through his feelings and successfully severe that tie, but occasionally recalling a fond memory is perfectly normal. You can even help the situation by showing him that you do not antagonize him. His leftover feelings are valid, and they in no way interfere with his appreciation of you.
A guy would ask this to know if you have healed or you still hung up on a significant other you had past sexual relations with. Your man wants to know if he is just a crutch to you, a rebound of sorts, or a means of getting back at a former lover. As a general rule, it is advisable not to enter into a new relationship only shortly or immediately after leaving one because there is always the potent risk of projecting your expectations, disappointments, or even hurts on the new unassuming man.
Relationships are partnerships entered into with hopes for the best and dreams for the future. You want to be sure to start off on the right foot, however, there is no ‘one size fits all’ guideline for approaching any relationship. So you need to hone your skills of perception and discernment to know when to speak about your previous sex life with your husband and when not to.
People don’t go into marriage with the hopes that it will fail but you need to be forewarned that it takes a lot of work to build a happy, mutually satisfying home and intimacy with your spouse. You both will be pleased with the results in the end.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. As I’m sure you have comments or questions, do leave them behind and let us know what you think. I’ll be excited to hear from you after applying these tips and strategies to your present relationship or marriage.