Cheating and money problems might be the most common issues in a relationship. But we all know there are plenty of other matters that don’t get the same level of attention. One of those is how much your boyfriend or husband values you. When your partner takes you for granted, you will feel like you are unloved and unappreciated. It is an awful feeling. I know, I’ve been there.
Unlike cheating, knowing when they are taking you for granted and what to do about it is not as straightforward. The things that make up signs and signals vary from individual to individual, and knowing what to do about it is entirely different. But don’t be overwhelmed, I have compiled the signs you should look out for when you suspect he doesn’t value you enough, and what you should do about each of them. Take a look.
Like I said, determining when you are valued as a lover requires some experience and insight. No one comes out to say, ‘I am taking you for granted.’ A way to acquire this insight is to see how he treats other people. With that information, you can establish a baseline of his character – whether he is just a shitty person or that is just a thing he reserves only to you.
You can know this from how he treats his friends, coworkers, strangers, and family members. Once you have determined that he treats other people, especially his friends, better than you, you need to talk to him about it. Be assertive and watch his response - his actions, not his words.
If he improves, then good for you, if he doesn’t, distance yourself from the affair. Make a mental note of a deadline and be prepared to pack your things when it elapses without significant change. If he comes back with a serious effort to fix things, great, mission accomplished.
Another way and a surefire sign that he is taking you for granted is decision making. If he makes all of it without asking for your opinion on anything, then he likely thinks little of you and the relationship. Being a couple means making joint decisions, from everyday choices like where you should order from to major ones like moving in together or work problems.
Something you have to establish first, though, is you are capable and willing to contribute. I have been in a relationship where I was making all the decisions and came up with all the plans. Not because I didn’t value my partner, but because he rarely contributes. He leaves it all for me to figure out. Therapists classify people who do things like this as passive partners.
Once you have put your foot forward as an equal contributor in the relationship, and he still dismisses or doesn’t seek out your input, talk about it. Let him know how that behavior makes you feel like he doesn’t value you. If he doesn’t change, then you know he doesn’t care about keeping you happy, and that, my dear, is your cue to find your way out of the relationship and find someone that cares.
The other side of the previous point is you do everything alone. Plan dates? You. Clean the house? You. Bills? You. Initiate sex and other forms of intimacy? You. You do it all alone. He doesn’t contribute or initiate anything. When the affair has this dynamic, and you ask yourself, ‘Is he taking me for granted,’ the answer is yes.
While we all have different skillsets and strengths, your significant other should not be a placeholder that leaves you to do all the work. A relationship is a partnership and it takes two people to make it last. In most cases like that, only one person cares and wants to be in it. And it is not your boyfriend. But as always, before making this conclusion, be sure there isn’t any other cause, like depression.
These signs never exist in a vacuum. If your boyfriend shows this behavior, along with the other signs, you are being taken for granted. Then you should talk to him. You will be surprised at how effective and revealing an honest conversation can be. Asides from that, you can also take a step back from doing all the work, and see how he responds.
Disrespect can mean anything, but nothing quite says I don’t value you like disrespect. Of all the people in your boyfriend or husband’s life, you should be, at least in the top two of those he respects the most. When his actions, time and time again fail to reflect that, chances are you are not valued enough. The most important word there, though, is repeatedly.
Sometimes, during arguments, out of anger or frustration, your partner might do or say something that feels like they don’t value you. It will hurt, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you. Look out for repeat offenses, especially those that occur without the charged atmosphere of a fight.
If it is a new behavior, i.e., he used to respect you but changed, you might want to talk to a counselor and get to its root. Otherwise, you should pack your things and leave. Your emotions are better spent on someone that values them.
This is a sign that sneaks up on you. You wake up one day and realize he stopped doing the things he did when he was courting you. He no longer sets up nice dates, buys you flowers, sends sweet text messages, or even take care of his hygiene or body. When this is happening, chances are you are dating or married to a person that doesn’t value you.
As men, impressing others is something their ego compels them to, especially when they respect and value that person. Be careful, though; this sign is sometimes not a reflection of what he thinks of you. It can be a result of being in a long-term love affair. He feels comfortable with you because the two of you have been together for so long and he doesn’t see a reason to try hard anymore.
To correct that, what you need is remind him that you would still appreciate it if he tries to impress you by doing all those nice things. If he doesn’t try to change, then that might be your cue to gather your belongings and leave.
Intimacy is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. The more intimate you are with your significant other, the better your chances of going the distance. Intimacy isn’t just about sex, even if it holds a significant part of it. It is also sharing your deepest thoughts, becoming friends. Also, things like sharing family secrets and building a financial life together.
If your lover insists on keeping everything at a surface level, it might be because they have zero plans for a future with you. Thus, they have no interest in building the foundations of a lasting love affair, ergo, you are being taken for granted. Women asking ‘what are we?’ after sex might be a popular internet joke. Still, if you want a serious relationship, it is a question you must ask. You might want to wait until you are not drowning in each other’s body fluids, though.
As always, his response, in words and actions, will tell you everything you need to know. Something you should know is, a man might take a minute to decide if he wants to be with you. But once you put him on the spot, if he values you, he will hasten the decision process.
Forget what anyone might say. Nothing says he takes me for granted and doesn’t love me more than a man that cheats on you repeatedly. Once is bad enough, but multiple times? Girl, you don’t need a counselor to tell you what it means – he doesn’t care.
When your spouse repeatedly fails to stay faithful to you, it is because he doesn’t want to. And he probably doesn’t want to because he doesn’t value you. He thinks you will forgive him every time, and so, he takes your place in his life as a joke. There is only one way to fix this – leave. Relationships shouldn't be endured, and partners are meant to respect each other’s emotions.
When he has repeatedly come close to losing you because of his serial infidelity and yet, refuses to change, know that he doesn't care about you. Break up with him, heal your wounds, and feel like a newborn.
The thing about being in a relationship is it means accepting certain responsibilities. But it doesn’t mean your partner shouldn’t appreciate them. If your boyfriend never acknowledges your efforts, whether big or small, he most likely doesn’t think much of you. This undoubtedly takes its toll, and you struggle to find the motivation to give him your all.
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Ideally, a partner that appreciates you will find ways to say thank you. It doesn't necessarily have to be with those words. It can be a small gift, taking on chores so you can rest, writing you a note of appreciation. In bed, he can also put all the focus on you. There are many things your boyfriend or husband can do to show he appreciates you if he loves you.
If he is not using any of them, have an honest conversation about it. A flippant reaction to your complaint might just your way of learning just how much he thinks of you. I don’t like to encourage giving people in relationships to make ultimatums, but let him know that you won’t date anyone who doesn’t appreciate you.
One thing about long term dating is it requires a healthy level of forgiveness. Even though you might be in love with your boyfriend or girlfriend, there will be mistakes and incidents where you wrong them and need forgiveness. However, it only works when you or them don’t repeat the sin.
When your lover commits the same offense, repeatedly asking for an apology and receiving it every time, chances are they don’t think much of you. And in some cases, someone like this is using it as a form of manipulation to keep you.
When you point it out, they make you feel like you are overthinking things. However, know that an apology, beyond acknowledging the wrong, also means committing not to repeat the mistake. If your boyfriend doesn’t incorporate this critical part, you are likely to feel like he doesn’t value you.
So, next time you find yourself in this position, let him know you will leave if he repeats the offense. And this time, you have to mean it.
When he won’t change his behavior, and he keeps placating you with apologies every time you take offense. Rest assured that he has taken you for granted because he doesn’t think you will leave him. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard a guy set out to do something his girlfriend frowns upon and waved it off by saying, ‘she’s not going anywhere.’
The thing is, there is only one way to respond to this mindset – surprise him. Nothing jolts a man back from mediocrity in a relationship than realizing that he can and will lose the woman he claims to love. When he comes begging and he will, because his ego is bruised, don’t return to him at the first or second attempt. Give him ample time to show you that he means it this time.
In the meantime, go on dates, focus on your work, hang out with friends, and do plenty of fun things. More so, showing that you are not fixated on him and have a life of your own sends a strong message. It can fix the relationship or show you what he thinks of you.
Finally, after cheating, this is the clearest thing that shows your boyfriend doesn’t love you or the partnership. Yes, fewer people are getting married today, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have plans for their future together. While that future might not be in the form of ballroom dances, it can be buying a house together, having a baby, or traveling the world. It is what people do when they love someone and want to share a life with them.
If your boyfriend isn’t incorporating you into their future, when you are wondering ‘why he takes me for granted,’ the answer might be that he doesn't see a future with you. But to be sure, make suggestions about concrete plans. There are a few things you can do like showing him a house you think you should buy or having him meet your parents.
Try it a few times. The enthusiasm in his responses might tell you all you need to know. If they are uncharacteristically low, he might be placing a low premium on your affair. But this is only relevant if you have been together for a while, not two weeks into dating. If it’s been a while, you know the way out.
The best course of action always depends on the combination of signs that show he is taking you for granted. However, most of them can be fixed by drawing his attention and explaining how they make you feel like you are unwanted and unvalued. If he doesn’t make an effort to change, your last recourse is to leave the relationship.
The thing is, men are not a homogenous group and every man has his reasons. Also, relationships differ. Sometimes it is about you, and sometimes it is him. Your job is to do everything within reason to communicate your value. Remember, a lot of people don’t value what they have until they lose it. Don’t wait around figuring out why if the answer is not forthcoming.
Detach from the relationship. Seize control of your life and love yourself. Go on dates with other men. Improve your professional standing. Nothing makes a person regret their choices more than seeing what they could have had. However, making him regret shouldn’t be your goal. Take these actions for you and let his regret the side benefit.
Establish your value and draw a firm boundary. Sometimes, people keep taking you for granted because you make it way too easy for them to do so. It is not victim-blaming. No one can fix it for you. If a situation is terrible for you, you remove yourself from it. The pain of ending the relationship might last for a minute, but you will be happier in the long run.
There are plenty of signs, and we have discussed some above. But the truth lies in his actions, not his words. Men that value women go above and beyond to keep them in their life. It can manifest in different ways, but if he makes a minimal effort in keeping you, he’s probably not as invested in the partnership, or you.
I hope you loved reading this list. More importantly, I hope it connected with you and answered some of those lingering questions. Remember that you have power over how your boyfriend treats you. If you want a change, you will have to enforce it in your relationships.
More so, feel free to share this article with your loved ones, and let me know what you think in the comment section.
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