I’ve dated emotionally unavailable men in the past. You know the ones that I’m talking about. These guys are flattering, they’re amazing, and they can be quite charming. Then, you realize that there’s something missing. You don’t know their family or friends.
At first, he seems shy, but you slowly realize that no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t matter. You’re still watering a dead plant.
Some of these guys don’t want something long-term. They maintain their emotionally unavailable status because they’re using you. Other men might have a genuine fear of commitment. If you’re still considering putting in the effort to help an emotionally unavailable man change, it’s important to know what you’re up against so you don’t spend years watering that dead plant.
If you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man, chances are slim that he will take the time to tell you that he’s emotionally unavailable, stringing you along or flat out never going to change because he doesn’t want to. Instead, you’ll have to pay attention to signs that he’s emotionally unavailable. The more of these signs that you see, the less available he really is.
These guys are the kings of not accepting responsibility. In fact, they have it perfected to an art.
Not only does this guy blame you for things, but he also blames past relationships for things, too. He didn’t move in with exes because they didn’t want to. His trust issues are his exes' fault. Even break-ups are not his fault.
These guys love bomb you and charm you in the beginning. The way that they treat you like you’re the only woman in the world will instantly make you smile when you think of them. Although it sounds unusual, it’s extremely common. This is because people with intimacy issues or commitment issues don’t feel scared of anything in the beginning stage.
As things get serious, you’ll notice that he begins to push you away. This is because a serious relationship is what he is scared of. The emotions and feelings that go hand-in-hand with this make him want to head for the hills.
If he tells you that he is terrible at relationships, believe him. He’s not saying it for sympathy. Sometimes these guys make comments about how they have had a string of women in their past because they are bad at relationships, or they might say they like the dating scene better.
This guy doesn’t just go out to dinner. Instead, an emotionally unavailable man will assess other people in the restaurant and determine that he is better than them. He goes beyond being confident. Instead, he will feel like he is far superior.
These guys don’t just run away from your feelings, they sometimes completely ignore them altogether. If you mention a problem you have, he probably has a bigger one. If he doesn’t get his way, he acts like a spoiled brat. The behavior will remind you of a cranky child that didn’t get their way.
When a man is not available, he seeks perfection. He likes to control things and wants them flawless, including you. It can easily make you feel as though you aren’t good enough, and may result in him straying to find someone else that he deems is perfect.
When you bring up an emotional topic, he resorts to sarcasm or avoids it altogether. No matter what the topic is, you can’t get close to his emotions.
Guys are typically emotionally unavailable because they are scared of commitment. When you mention moving in or committing to long-term plans, he balks.
Guys with low self-esteem are over cocky, and they are very sensitive to criticism. These guys are more likely to be emotionally unavailable because they are scared of getting hurt.
Not only does he avoid his own emotions, but he would also rather not talk about yours. When you’re upset he quickly tries to make you happy because that’s the only emotion he’s comfortable with.
These guys are experts in the sarcasm department. That’s because sarcasm makes it easy for these men to avoid discussing something. Most of their tactics help them avoid being emotionally close to women, and sarcasm is great for pushing people away.
Hitting the sheets is never a problem for these guys because that doesn’t require an emotional connection. It usually leads to it appearing as though they are using you for a booty call.
He’ll say he’s busy, he’s working on his goals, etc. but the truth is that no matter what is going on, he won’t talk to you or text you every day. This is because it will make him feel closer to you, and he doesn’t want that.
Being close to a person you want to spend your life with means being close to their family, so don’t expect to be involved in family functions, or even invited to them.
He states that he loves his independence. This is a common excuse that men use to keep distance between themselves and women. The gap in the relationship is explained by this love for independence. Some men might truly enjoy independence, so watch for other signs on the list.
If there’s a problem, you’re the one to address it. When you two need to have a talk, they won’t be the ones to start it. Communication and being close are necessary for a relationship to work, but you’re the only one that will work on those things.
When the two of you finally manage to discuss getting closer, they go through all the motions but you two never feel closer. It’s because they’re faking it due to them being emotionally unavailable.
When an emotionally unavailable guy does show emotions, he won’t want you to see his true emotions. Instead, he’ll simply reflect your emotions back to you. When you’re sad, he’s sad.
If you’ve heard this phrase, it’s because they are avoiding the relationship word. These men hate the word relationship and don’t want to be in one, so they refuse to put a title on things.
Emotionally unavailable men have a hard time with their own emotions, and understanding them. This makes it extremely difficult for them to understand other people’s emotions. Someone else will see them being nice, but rarely having a genuine understanding of things going on around them.
When you run into a man that is emotionally unavailable, you’ll find a sketchy relationship history. If he has had long-term relationships, they are very few. This can also apply to friendships.
These guys do not get in serious relationships because they are in love, no matter what they say. Instead, they determine if someone is the one based on how it will benefit them. This is because they are not attached to their emotions the same way that we are.
If you do convince this guy to move in with you, it won’t be the same as other relationships. They won’t like to talk about real topics, like the crisis you had at work. They won’t appreciate sweet gestures. If you grab their favorite snack on the way home, they will eat it, but won’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You’ll get the same thing you would from a roommate.
Communication of every kind is always spotty. If you send a text, don’t expect one back any time soon. These men will give you one excuse or another, but this is usually intentional so that they can avoid getting close to you.
Not only do they not want to communicate for fear of closeness, but they also prefer to be physically unavailable. If you plan a date night, you never know if they will be there. It’s because they do everything in their power to avoid becoming emotionally close to you. That means cutting back on quality time together.
Some men will state that it’s because they are men, and some will simply avoid the topic altogether. Either way, an emotionally unavailable man will avoid those serious emotions at all costs. Expect him to lighten the mood or be dismissive of your emotions by stating that you’re sensitive if you’re upset.
If emotions are terrifying to emotionally unavailable men, imagine how terrifying someone is that keeps trying to get them to connect on a deeper level. It’s like someone coming at them with a knife. The closer you get, the further they run away.
Yes, emotionally unavailable men can change. How you react to him being this person and his own thoughts and feelings will play a large part in whether he will change. If you’ve decided to pursue this, there is a certain way to go about it.
Read that again. You can’t make him change. In fact, you can’t make anyone into something else. The only person that can make them change is themselves. Don’t waste effort attempting to give him more of this or that, trying to change yourself to make him happy, etc.
Instead, if you want to make this work, you have two options: have a talk with him and tell him how it affects your relationship, and ask him to change or accept it for what it is.
There are normal situations that result in men having a certain amount of emotional unavailability. For example, if he is focused on his career, recently suffered from a breakup or death in the family.
All of these situations, and many more, can create someone that is not capable of being present emotionally. Some may also create a certain amount of fear pertaining to being close to women. These can all be temporary, and may slowly fade away on their own with time.
Unaddressed childhood trauma and wounds spill over into adulthood. This doesn’t just happen with your man, but it can happen with you too. If he developed an avoidant attachment style, it is more deeply rooted than a recent career change. It means that during his childhood, he was taught that emotions were not okay. If he wants to change, he can, but that is up to him. No one can make a person change. If he does choose to change, it will require a lot of time, patience, and therapy.
Sometimes, we chase after things that we want, but this isn’t the way to go with one of these guys. Instead of bringing him closer, you will push him further away. Think of him as a timid kitten. If you run towards them, they will be scared and run away. However, if you gently coax them to you with their favorite treat, they will happily curl up on your lap.
If you want to help him, there are a few things that you can do to help keep him on the right course, and save your own sanity in the process.
Being with one of these men can be exhausting, and it can make you feel a little less than when they consistently seek perfection. It’s important for both you and him to recognize how great you are. It’ll help keep you from falling for his crap, force him to accept that you aren’t perfect, and you won’t be enabling him.
Any idea you previously had about how relationships or marriage should be needs to go out the window. Your life is what it is, not what you want it to be. This includes your home life with your boyfriend. It’s important to stay in the present and to accept the situation for what it is. You cannot help him in his life if you begin to avoid the problem as well.
One thing that is important to remember is that we all have emotional needs. Emotional unavailability man will not be able to meet those. This makes it vital for women to make sure that they have those strong connections with other friends or family to ensure that their needs are still met. When you need someone to be there, you can call them. Every time there’s a crisis at work, you’ll still have someone to talk to.
Yes, they can! Anyone can fall in love, including those that are having a hard time emotionally connecting. They might not express this the same way as other people in your life and might take longer to fall in love, but they can get there eventually.
You’ll move on. He probably won’t be phased. These men have spent their life avoiding this type of connection, so he might not even miss you. If he has not made any progress, he will probably just move onto the next.
His emotions, or lack of, are very controlled. He is a man of mystery. In fact, most of his life is a mystery to you because he doesn’t talk about it. No matter how long you talk, you never feel close to him like you do other people because he won’t let you get close.
They miss you, but not in the same way that you miss them. Often, they miss something that you did for them, or they miss having you as an option when they want a booty call. Rarely do they miss you in the same way that you’re missing them.
Some men are genuinely scared and crave an emotional connection. Others want you to boost their ego, be available for booty calls, and meet their needs, all while tending to your own because they do not want to do that.
Dating an emotionally unavailable man can be exhausting, but women that have seen them change often say it is well worth the extra effort. Have you ever been with a guy like this? What did you choose to do with the relationship?