Cookie Jarring In Relationships (11 Signs You’re A Victim)

Last updated on June 17, 2022 by April Maccario

Cookie jarring is one of the hottest dating trends, but there’s nothing sexy about this one. When a person is cookie jarring you, it means that they are already either in a serious relationship or actively pursuing one with someone, yet are still talking to you

This is one of the sweetest dating terms for having a side chick, but these people aren’t out to just bang you on the side. Instead, you’re their emotional backup. If their current relationship fails, they can bounce over to you. If the one they are pursuing is a waste of time, guess who’s still there? You again. You’re their security blankie so that they never have to be alone. 

Why Do People Cookie Jar?

Why do these people insist on reaching their hand in the jar even though they already like someone else? 

It’s not because it’s the latest dating trend. It’s not even because they want sex. This one is a bit more psychological than both of those. 

Instead, people do this because they want to feel secure. They don’t want to be alone, either. That’s why they go running to their backup when their relationship starts to head south, or they bounce back to that one person in between relationships. They are cookie jarring that person to fulfill their own emotional needs. It’s common in serial monogamists

11 Signs Of Cookie Jarring

If someone is cookie jarring you, it can take a moment to catch on, especially if they are not in a serious relationship. They could just be talking to someone else that they have better intentions with, but not be in a relationship. These signs of cookie jarring will let you know. The more you check off, the more likely you’re being cookie jarred. 

1. He doesn’t make an effort

He doesn’t call first, text first, or initiate plans unless he feels you drifting away. It’s because he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He might sidebar you when you’re together to make even less of an effort. 

2. He’s flakey with plans

He’s all for spending time together when you make plans, but the cookie jarrer is known for being the person to cancel at the last minute too. He doesn’t get too close. 

3. You’re not included in his life

you're not included in his life

When you’re being cookie jarred, don’t expect to be a big part of his life. You won’t be showing up at work with surprise cookies or invited to things. He has someone else keeping him company. 

4. He flat out tells you he has a girlfriend/wife and will leave them (but never does)

The cookie jarrer never intended to in the first place. He just wants someone to talk to when he feelsinsecure about himself or his relationship. That’s why it’ll stay that way, too. You’re his backup in case the relationship with someone else fails. 

5. He periodically opens up 

This can make things confusing, but it does serve a purpose for him. He’ll occasionally open up as a way to keep you closer. He doesn’t want you to wander off or find another person, and if he opens up it will make you feel like you’re getting somewhere. Really, it’s just another tactic he uses to string you along

6. He’s really sweet when he is around

He’s amazingly sweet. It keeps those butterflies in your stomach so that you’re the person that will stick around. 

7. When you lose interest, he steps up the game

If you’re being cookie jarred, it’s because he’s a person that doesn’t want to be alone or feel insecure. Because of this, he won’t want you to stray, even if you’re not in a relationship. When you lose interest, he’ll find a way to pull you back into his arms. 

8. You’ve never met his family, friends, etc. 

It seems to be a part of the way he is with you. You’ve never heard about anyone close to him, and he’ll never include you in anything that he’s doing with someone else. It’s almost like you’re a side chick...

9. No public plans

He also won’t want someone else to see the two of you together. To avoid that, he won’t want to go out in public if there’s a chance that she could see you two, or anyone could. Expect public plans to be out of town. 

10. He avoids serious conversations

He already has someone he’s having serious conversations with, and he does not want to be extremely close to you. Instead, he’ll try to keep things light and fun. When he can’t, he’ll sidebar you. 

11. He never talks about your future together

he never talks about your future together

This is because he doesn’t see a future with you. If he does mention a future, he’ll be vague and appear uninterested. He also won’t commit to future plans, like vacations in a year. 


What is Paperclipping in dating?

Paperclipping is the equivalent of ghosting you for no reason you can think of, and then popping back up later on down the road as nothing happened. People do this because they don’t want a relationship, but they don’t want to be forgotten either. That’s their issue, though. Ignore them. 

What is submarining in dating?

Submarining is when a person drops off the face of the earth and then reappears several weeks or months later. As soon as you quit thinking about them, there they are once again. It’s because they are using you, or simply want you as a backup for something. 

What is benching in dating?

It’s just like being put on the bench by the coach. You’re talking and going out. Then, all of a sudden you’re sitting on the sideline watching them play the rest of the game. You’re still there, though, in case they want you back in the game. They won’t go on dates with you, but they’ll still text you. 

What is Kittenfishing?

Kittenfishing is when you intentionally tell little lies or do something to appear as something you’re not. For example, only taking pictures from the neck up when you’re overweight. Then, you also don’t mention it to the person. It’s not downright catfishing, hence the term kitten fishing. 

What is cookie jarring in dating?

You’re like the cookie in the jar. He can reach in and grab a bite when he wants, or put it back for later. It’s his way of keeping a backup in case it doesn’t work out with someone he’s really interested in or already in a relationship with. 

In A Nutshell

Dating terms come and go, but the game stays the same. These are just putting a name on a common thing that others do in order to fulfill their own emotional needs. Have you ever been cookie jarred before? How did you find out the truth?

Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
We hear this all the time from women that contact us asking for help with their relationship.

It almost makes you wonder whether he actually likes you or whether he's just stringing you along.

Why don't you take this quick free quiz to see if he actually likes you!

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

One comment on “Cookie Jarring In Relationships (11 Signs You’re A Victim)”

  1. This is the idiotic advice that keeps women miserable, toxic and lonely. Perhaps your small brain cannot conceive ancient polygamy. What is modern psychology’s obsession with labeling everything and thinking it is absolute and universal? Perhaps why most instathots are Psych majors. Horrible advice and definitions from monogamist feminism. Puke.

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