Being The Other Woman (13 Brutal Truths)

by April Maccario

The other woman, popularly known as the side chick or mistress, is the woman romantically and sexually involved with a man in a relationship. 

Side chicks are often judged, especially when they are completely aware of the status of the guy she is involved with. 

You could have been naive at the time before getting entangled in the whole ‘married man affair,’ or maybe, you consciously went after the guy cause you liked him. Maybe he even lied about his marital status, and now you're too deep in to back out. 

Whatever the situation is, you’re now deep in thought wondering “should I end things with him, or continue seeing him?” “will he leave his wife for me?” “how do other women do this!?” 

Well, I’ll tell you one thing, being the 'other woman' is not for the faint-hearted. You may end up being resented by the guy’s wife, their kids, her family, and the guy’s family as well. 

So, before you call him back, or delete his number, let’s go through some important things to consider before diving head-on into a relationship with a married guy

Being The Mistress - What To Consider

1. No commitment

Things always start out quite casually, the daily calls, the flattering compliments, and seemingly harmless dates, until you find yourself under the sheets with this guy who has a wife and a son. Before you know it, you’ve already started developing feelings for him. 

You see, that’s the thing, there’s no guarantee that you won’t fall in love with this guy, and when that happens, you’ll want something more.

More of his time and attention, more outings and dates, and of course, more sex. Yet, he’s married, remember, his loyalties still lie with his wife and kids. So now, between work, family, and spending time with the guys, he’s barely squeezing out time to see you. 

How does that look for you long term? Don’t get me wrong, he can promise you more time, more flowers, more sexy escapades, but can he truly ever commit to you? Think about it. 

2. Forbidden fruit

Have you ever felt that rush of adrenalin when you know you are doing something wrong? Sneaking around the school with a guy you like and trying not to get caught. I bet we all know the feeling. There's an attraction that girls have to married guys that is simultaneous to that feeling of doing something wrong and not getting caught

This guy you’re involved with is taken, and I know how married guys can somehow be so sinfully attractive. Clinical psychologist Shreya Gandhi states that the feeling, knowledge, and excitement of doing something wrong is what sets single girls on the trajectory of having affairs with married guys.

Gradually as girls, our thoughts are shrouded by the availability of the guy and we fail to see that we are more in love with the idea that he’s taken, or ‘out of bounds’.

3. It will not solve your insecurities

It will not solve your insecurities

Some people feel they aren't so pretty, others feel they have an ugly body while some others aren’t just satisfied with what they see in the mirror. A girl could date a married guy because she felt flattered, lucky, and intrigued to be found attractive to him. 

‘He noticed me enough to date me,’ That’s the idea in our minds, however, you can’t let insecurity push you to make a wrong decision.  

4. You cannot meet his family and friends

In our relationships, meeting our partner’s family and friends is a rite of passage for everyone. These are people that are important to him and we always end up a nervous wreck when it's time to meet them. This is normal because we want to make a good first impression so bad and we want them to like us. 

When you’re the other woman, you don't get to meet the family and friends. You might meet some of the friends though who are aware of his outside family shenanigans but you definitely will not meet the family. This is because you are considered a secret, ‘potential homewrecker’, and the other not-nice names that follow.  

You also cannot introduce him to your family and friends for the same reason. What do you tell your dad he is to you? What would you introduce him as? Consider this before becoming that side chick.

5. You will be sharing him with another woman

We all know how difficult it is to share what we love. When we are starving, sharing our food is the last thing on our minds. As much as some girls say 'oh they don't mind sharing their man' deep down they do. The guy would always say things like 'I love you' and 'you mean so much to me' he might even make you feel that you are his priority

Some go to the extent of lying about the state of their marriage; while some actually have marital issues, others just like the thrill of seeing someone else. We must remember that guys have a playbook where they draw out all the excuses and some excuses are the oldest ones. 

6. Hiding your relationship can be tiring

You will often be stuck to the furthest hotels and restaurants from town for fear of running into people that shouldn't know about the rendezvous. It can be exciting and exhilarating when you aren't caught, however this can get tiring. As the relationship progresses, especially as a woman, we would want to be able to come out with it and stop hiding

It starts getting boring when dates have to be canceled due to family emergencies or riding in the back of the car just so you don't get seen together. Keeping up with these requires constant lies, deception, and secrecy. It can get exhausting and emotionally draining. It is important to consider the emotional and mental effect this might have on you because this will not change.

7. You will be lonely most of the time

Married guys consider affairs as extracurricular activities as they always have to return to their wives and family. Even if you are the other woman in a relationship, the guy would always return to his girlfriend. That is their priority and regardless of the risk they are taking with you they will do anything not to jeopardize what they have at home. 

The time shared together is calculated and limited in order for them to keep up with the lie they told at home before heading out. It's nice when you can spend the night in your lover’s arms, however, you might not have that with him. There would be no Netflix and overnight chilling. There is no doubt this will eventually get tiring, and you might end up on the losing end

He has you to come to for amazing sex and his wife to wrap his arms around. One way or the other you will begin to see the one-sided nature of the situation and the toll it would have on your mental and emotional state.

8. You will feel bad

It's always nice and rosy at the beginning. However at some point, if you both have consciences you will feel bad. Imagine this, you have this amazing husband who you love, then you find out he’s seeing somebody else, how will you feel? It’s easy to shrug it off when you’re not wearing the painful shoes of the wife or kids who this could hurt. 

Even some married men end up feeling regretful at some point, It's not easy hurting the people you love. You may feel like he doesn’t love her anymore, but if that’s the case, let him leave her first, before jumping into a relationship with you.  

9. It will leave you with trust issues

It's not easy being the second option. It's one thing that he’s being unfaithful to his wife, that could also make you ask, “will he be faithful to me?” It is a complicated situation to be in because, despite your trust issues, you are inhibited from demanding full accountability from him. 

I have seen situations where the man also dates his mistresses friends as well. We find men that promise that they would leave their wives for them. These promises taken out of the cheating manual 101 never come to pass because they are mostly lies and deceitful words. 

It can lead to deep trust issues as the woman might begin to doubt things said to her in subsequent relationships. We deal with different issues on a daily basis however we get to decide on some of the issues we allow into our lives. Consider this before becoming the other woman.

10. Facing the consequences

There's a saying that nothing is hidden under the sun. After months and years of hotel rooms and hidden restaurants, the truth always reveals itself, nothing can be hidden forever. When the affair is brought to the open, you should be ready to face the consequences

It might come in various forms from his wife or partner reaching out to you and calling you names and even to his family members calling you a homewrecker. 

We have seen situations where the side chick has obtained serious injuries from acid poured on her by the wife or felt her life was being threatened. No one is ever really on the side of the ‘other woman,’ it’s a lonely road to tread. 

Even if he does leave his wife for you, you will have a difficult time getting accepted into the family, especially if they had a good marriage, his family will always prefer his ex-wife. Is it really worth it?

11. It is a selfish affair

I have seen relationships where the man who is married is allowed to have extramarital affairs but the girl in the affair with him cannot date other men. Suddenly you are trapped in this lonely relationship with this married guy and you can't see other men. He might often come to see you and complain about issues happening at home with his wife and kids. 

In the beginning, it might be nice coming from the perspective that he trusts you, however, this gets old quite quickly. You on the other hand cannot talk about other men. You realize it's a 'slave' like a relationship where you are just meant to please him.

12. You will have to keep him interested

You will have to keep him interested

Imagine a time where he loses interest in the relationship. He is probably there for the excitement and adrenaline rush he isn't getting in his marriage at that moment, however, everything runs its course and settles down eventually. 

Without excitement, there are chances he might lose interest in the relationship. When that happens, there are no legal claims to anything he owns so you're left lonely, heartbroken, and on the losing end.

13. You might miss the opportunity of finding the one for you

Whilst you are entangled with a married guy, there are chances you might miss out on the opportunity of meeting Mr. Right. You have to be available and open to be able to meet people. Time speeds past quickly so the longer you spend with him, the slimmer the chances of meeting someone that will see you as a priority and not a second option.

FAQs

How does the mistress feel?

The mistress often feels alone as she cannot spend the amount of time as she would like with the man. Mistresses are often seen as side pieces or the second option. It leaves them feeling second best and not enough.

What to do if you're a mistress

It's best to consider leaving him and focusing on your own life. Being a mistress takes away your focus from other men and reduces your chances of finding your own guy.

What it means to be a mistress

A mistress is someone in a romantic and sexual relationship with a married guy. She is considered to be the other woman or in popular lay terms the side chick. Mistresses are mostly known by the wives.

How does the mistress feel about the wife?

In some cases, the mistresses have respect for the wives and do not cross their boundaries with their husbands. This is because they are fully aware of the presence of the wives but in some cases, the wives are not aware of the presence of the mistresses.

Will my husband regret leaving me for his mistress?

There have been scenarios where the husbands have left their wives for mistresses. Some men have regrets if they mistook lust for love. Depending on how good your relationship was, he’ll definitely regret taking it for granted.

On That Note,

When you’re the other woman it can be difficult sometimes as such relationships come with emotional and mental baggage. It can be unhealthy for you and leave you feeling insufficient and alone. It might be fun at the beginning and it might be meeting your financial needs but sometimes, we just want more. It will help to consider these tips before becoming the ‘other woman’.

I hope you found this article insightful. I would love to hear what you think in the comment section and remember to share the article with someone else who is experiencing the same.

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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