Vanilla Relationship (7 Things To Know About Vanilla Relationship And Sex)

Last updated on August 29, 2022 by April Maccario

When you walk into an ice cream shop, you realize one of the common flavors on the menu is vanilla. This is because it is common. It is something you try when you are unsure of what flavor to choose. However, the term ‘vanilla’ especially, when sex is concerned, means conventional sex between heterosexuals. It typically refers to missionary-style sex positions.

And that has been identified as the kink community to be boring and very ordinary. Kinks prefer BDSM (Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism).

The term vanilla was chosen because of how common vanilla ice cream is. Also, a vanilla union is traditional. It has nothing that stands out about it. That means no kink. And sometimes, it can be used as an insult.

We see an instance of this in the Fifty Shades of Grey series. The female protagonist Anastasia Steele is a vanilla person. Then in walks Mr. Christian Grey who storms her life and sends her in a fit of passion. The opposite of a vanilla union is a kinky one where sadism and masochism are practiced. Now that you know what a vanilla union is, let us get to know some things about it.

7 Things To Know About Vanilla Relationship And Sex

1. It does not make sex any less pleasurable.

One sexpert mentions that it is silly to create name tags where sex is concerned. This is so because there is no right or wrong in sex. The purpose of sex is to improve the connection and intimacy level between you and your spouse. It is also to explore each other's bodies. Whether it is vanilla sex or kinky should not matter, if, at the end of the day, you and your partner get the desired pleasure and intimacy.

Also, it would be so weird to focus on what others think about your vanilla relationship, that you and your partner are not able to explore your sexual preferences. The term “vanilla sex” is relative. To party A, it may mean something else. To party B, it may mean something else. You shouldn't worry your pretty head about it.

Once you and your partner are getting the necessary pleasure, you are good to go.

2. It is different for everyone.

Another thing worth knowing is that vanilla sex is different for everyone. You don't need to compare your sexual experiences with everyone. It would be wrong to project your definition of vanilla sex unto others. In the same vein, it would be wrong to allow others to dictate their definition of vanilla sex to you.

Sex is more of an identity thing. It is something you discover. So once you discover a sexual style you are interested in, go with it. You choose it because it identifies with you, and that is how best you can express yourself. Do not allow anyone to take that away from you. So, you and your partner ought to explore each other’s bodies to define what vanilla sex means to you two.

 However, keep in mind to always respect your partner’s boundaries.

3. Being in a vanilla relationship does not make you boring.

being in a vanilla relationship does not make you boring

Having a sexual relationship is considered "vanilla" does not mean that you are boring or not an interesting person to be with. The most important part is the pleasure derived from sex. So, if you enjoy vanilla sex, and readily express your desire in it, I do not see how it makes you boring. Expressing interest in what you know you want makes you more of an interesting person than a boring one.

Maybe you have done both kinky and vanilla sex and you have decided that you prefer the vanilla one. Do not be bullied out of your choice. I say this because you are entitled to it. You do not have to have an interest in kinky sex before you should be seen as interesting. It is rather weird that one would have to be classified as interesting or boring per what happens in the bedroom.

4. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex.

There is nothing wrong with being old school. I mean, heterosexual relationships have existed since. There is nothing wrong with being conventional. Do not allow yourself to be intimidated to let go of what you believe in because of current trends. If you want to opt for something, you should do so because that is what you want to do.

It is no secret the vanilla flavor sells more than most ice cream flavors in the ice cream shop. No wonder they are always available. And the interesting thing about vanilla is you can always add toppings of your choice. Or, you can eat it with other flavors. In short, it has a versatile nature. And if you are comfortable with a vanilla union, please feel free.

5. You can make it interesting.

As mentioned before, vanilla is a versatile flavor. The same goes for vanilla relationships. You can have a vanilla union with a little spice of kink. Just because you happen to be in a conventional sort of relationship does not mean you have been chosen by the fates to have a boring sex life.

The decision lies with you and your partner. Perhaps, you want to try a bit of kinky sex alongside your vanilla, but you are worried about how your vanilla partner would handle it. Well, I have news for you. It is possible to be with each other, despite the slight differences in sexual preferences.

There are several ways you can spice your vanilla union up. And this is not limited to the bedroom. All you and your partner need is an open mind and patience to go through the discovery phase. This is so that you two get to know what works for you and make your sex life something worth looking forward to. 

6. You can always experiment.

you can always experiment

The fact that your relationship is vanilla does not mean you cannot add some spice of kink to it. You need to respect your partner’s boundaries though. There could be a case where you want to introduce some kink in your sex life. But if your partner is comfortable with vanilla sex, you would have to talk to him about it.

Suggest things you want to try out and go through slowly. The situation could also be the other way round. By that I mean, you are comfortable going vanilla, while your partner is not. You should try to be open-minded about it. Or see it as another way of having fun. You could go through the process but know what works for you. If you are happy with a new sex style, you accept it. If not, discard it.

All relationships have a give-and-take feature. So, that is just how it is. But the point is to always do ‘you’. Vanilla relationships may be a modern thing today. Tomorrow, it may not be. The point is to satisfy each other’s sexual desires and have a great sexual experience.

7. Communication is key.

Communication is an important aspect of every relationship. More so, where the matter of sex is involved. You would need to find out if your spouse belongs to the kink community. Or, you would want to know if he is into vanilla sex. The point is for you to be true to yourself in your current frame of mind. 

I say this because you may change your mind about which type of sex you enjoy. So, for instance, six months ago, you were involved in fetish sex, but now, you are fine with vanilla sex. And that is fine. You would have to communicate with your partner. It would be a huge deal breaker if you force your partner into a sexual relationship he or she is not interested in.

Perhaps, it is no wonder that those involved in kinky relationships can communicate better. This is because, in the course of exploring each other sexually, one ought to tell her partner which acts are right by her and which ones aren't. This is done through the use of safewords. 

It does not however mean that those in vanilla relationships cannot communicate well. They actually can. But it will take efforts from both parties.

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What does it mean if someone is vanilla?

If someone is described as vanilla, it means that person is ordinary. There is nothing extraordinary or interesting about the person.

What is vanilla in dating?

Vanilla dating can be likened to the traditional form of dating. With this type of dating, couples spend time with each other over movies and dinner dates. 

What does a non-vanilla relationship mean?

A non-vanilla relationship has an unusual sexual relationship. The sex life of the couple is kinky and involves unusual sex practices.

Does vanilla mean boring?

Yes. Vanilla means boring.

What is the opposite of a vanilla relationship?

The opposite of a vanilla union is a kinky relationship.

In Conclusion

Being in a vanilla union is not bad at all. If it has existed for decades, it is because there may be something special about it. Also, since what is involved in vanilla sex is relative, you ought to realize that the vanilla flavor does not taste the same to everyone. Yes, it is nice and sweet, but it can also be quite complex. So, if you are a vanilla person, be proud of it.

I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know your thoughts about it in the comments section. And kindly share this piece with your family and friends. 

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April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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