Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past? (9 Things To Consider)

Last updated on June 12, 2022 by April Maccario

There is nothing wrong with your partner expressing curiosity about your past life. In the same way, I do not see anything wrong with telling him about your past. 

What is more important is making sure that you do it right, at the appropriate time, without leaving out any vital detail. 

The past can either make or mar a relationship; hence, telling your partner about your history is a sensitive topic that should not be taken for granted. There are a lot of things we consider private, and wouldn’t want to share with our partners. But should you share everything with your partner? 

In this article, I will discuss nine things to consider before taking this bold step.

9 Things To Consider Before Revealing Your Past

1. Is it necessary?

Before sharing anything from the past with your partner, it is essential that you carefully evaluate the pros and cons that it might have on your relationship. In this case, you should be concerned if the said issue is necessary or not. 

They are some intrinsic details from the past that cannot be eluded in this kind of conversation; they should be spilled regardless of the consequences it might have. Like health issues should never be kept a secret, especially if it has to do with child-bearing, STIs, or long-term ailments. 

You should be open about this kind of issue with your spouse. He should hear it from you rather than find out from someone else. On the other hand, issues emanating from your past that might not be necessary at the time to share may be things like, if you had a three-some back in high school. This might not be so helpful to share at the initial stage of the relationship.

2. Your history of cheating

This might be the right time to reveal your past regarding infidelity to your spouse. You have to tell him the truth about what transpired in your previous relationships that led to the breakdown. 

Yes, this might mean talking about past lovers, but it’s only one part of it. If you cheated on any of your ex’s, he should know. It would help if you told him yourself than him finding out from someone else. 

Telling him yourself is considered an act of trust and responsibility in this regard. This action will send a message to him that you are probably sorry for what you did and might not repeat the same mistake. 

And, you trust him enough to share that with him. On the contrary, if he finds out for himself, it would only mean that you are dishonest, and probably might repeat the same act if given a chance. 

3. How traumatic are the events?

Should you share past traumatic experiences if there are any with your partner? If one or two people had deeply hurt you in the past, it’s up to you to tell him what happened. Digging up the story may be too traumatic for you, and in that case, take your time telling him about that part of your life. 

Usually, some women do not find it easy to give out these details to their boyfriends, unless something triggers it. Some partners’ are rape apologists, so the person they are dating chooses to keep that kind of information away from them.

4. Does he need to know?

does he need to know

Relationships are built on trust, yes, that is true. But we live in an age where they are also quite temporary. People want to know what their partners have been up to, but you have to ask yourself if it’s important he knows. For example, details about your financial situation, if you have debts, it’s important you let him know that. 

But I don’t think he needs to know your account balance every month, that is personal information that only you are privy to. 

5. Is he mature enough?

Another critical fact to consider when sharing part of your past life with your boyfriend is his level of maturity. To be honest, some men are immature and cannot even deal with the fact that you have had a thing with someone they know or had a certain number of body counts. 

It is necessary that you evaluate his sense of maturity before going ahead to tell him everything at once. However, this does not mean you should not discuss your past with your spouse. 

But, what this means is you should exercise some level of caution when going about this. Furthermore, you do not have to spill everything at once. Share things that you're comfortable with first, and if he asks about something, let him know that you’ll divulge them one by one at your own time. 

6. Is it yours to share?

Before sharing a story with your spouse about part of your past, ask yourself if all the information is yours to share. What do I mean? We go through life with people, our former relationships or experiences either leave us with secrets that belong to someone else. Now, your excuse might be, “my boyfriend wants to know everything about my past.”

But will that information spill another person’s secret in any way? If it will, leave their part out. Your partner only needs to know information about you, telling him secrets about another person or even the people you’ve been in relationships with isn’t just right.

7. Does he love you enough?

It is crucial to be sure that he genuinely loves you and would stand by you through the storms of life. Most people get into relationships for different reasons; and at first, maybe the feelings are there, but soon, that love fades away. One thing is certain, relationships don’t last as long these days, even when the couple still love each other, we find many of them separating for good.

So if you are in a committed relationship, and your partner loves you, it’s safer to let him know about your past. But, if you have told every guy you have ever dated personal information about your past, that’s a lot of people who know too much about you. 

8. Are you ready to be completely honest?

are you ready to be completely honest

When discussing your past experiences with your significant other, honesty cannot be overemphasized. It is necessary to tell the whole truth and not leave out any important detail. 

Leaving some information may backfire in the nearest future. But like I said before, ensure this is someone you love and vice versa, and that the relationship is more of a seriously committed one than a casual relationship. 

If he finds out that you did not tell him the truth, or you lied about an issue, things can get even worse. It is, however, in your best interest to stick to the facts and not lie about anything. 

Furthermore, every successful relationship is built on the foundation of honesty. It would help if you said nothing than lie about something. 

9. The timing

Telling your man about your past is a serious conversation to have, and the timing should be chosen correctly. Please do not wait until you get in a fight with him before you tell him you have anger issues or wait until you do something silly before explaining to him that you have a past traumatic issue you are dealing with. 

Things like this should be discussed as soon as you realize the relationship is getting serious. Furthermore, the right time and place to do this are also necessary. Be sure not to start talking about your past in a rowdy and crowded place; do it in a calm, serene, and comfortable space where he can process all that you are telling him. 

FAQs

Should couples know everything about each other?

It is essential that couples have sufficient knowledge of each other. This will help the relationship grow; it will create trust and understanding, which is necessary for any long-term relationship.

Frustrated that he doesn't pay you as much attention as he used to?
This is one of the most common issues our female readers face.

The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him today.

Watch this free video (click on the link to watch) that my friend recorded which explains how you can become his priority!

Should you ask your partner about their past? 

 It is only normal to be curious about the past life of your partner. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know a few details of your significant other’s previous encounters and history. However, the choice of questions and manner of approach is very important. Specific questions can have a negative effect on the relationship rather than help it grow. 

Should you care about your partner's past?

It is only familiar for one to be curious about their partner's past. The past may include but is not limited to health history, sexual history, body counts, past traumatic experience, and more. However, specific details, such as body counts, should not be made a priority. Issues like this do not necessarily facilitate the growth of the relationship. It can create distrust or tension if not handled with maturity. 

Is it ok to not tell your partner everything?

It is okay not to share everything with your partner, especially those you were told in confidence. Not sharing these details with your partner will, however, portray you as a trustworthy person who does not go around spilling the secrets of others. 

Should you tell your partner if you cheat? 

As a sign of selflessness, telling your partner you cheated is a good thing. You cannot be selfish twice. Telling your partner will not necessarily give you peace of mind; however, it’s for your partner to decide whether or not they want to continue in the relationship. If they chose to continue, then you should try not to repeat the mistake. But if they decide otherwise, you should not blame them. 

In Conclusion

In this article, I have carefully and exhaustively discussed the various things to consider when telling your partner about the past. Remember, only share what you're comfortable divulging, what’s yours to share, and ensure it’s a serious and safe relationship.

If you found this article helpful, please feel free to share it with family and friends. 

 

Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
We hear this all the time from women that contact us asking for help with their relationship.

The thing is that which causes men to behave this way is actually something how men are wired. Once you understand how this works, it's relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him today.

My friend uploaded a quick video which you can watch here (click on the link to watch) where he explains how you can turn this behavior around!

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

4 comments on “Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past? (9 Things To Consider)”

  1. well, as long as the woman has kept her conversations with her partner private this "6. Is it yours to share?" would hold. Otherwise I think is unfair.

    Yes we know women talk with their friends to ask for help.

    Now, something like body count always irritates women, the problem is women also should be interested in them, because the higher the body count the more likely to cheat is going to be the person, because you train your brain to expect novelty and different partners, and there are multiple studies about this. You should know about it so you can work together to reduce the temptation and reduce the chances of cheating. You should treat it like an addiction.

    Also if you are dishonest about this, you will trigger his instinct to protect his paternity. And he will doubt you, I've known men who have ended engagements and even divorced because the woman lied about this.

    if you did a threesome in the past, men will expect you to have a threesome with them, because men want to be the man with whom the wife will liberate herself sexually to the maximum.

    I know there might be things in the past that you think were degrading and you don't want to repeat, probably you don't want to associate your husband with them, you should speak about this with him, because if he finds out about it from someone else he won't like it.

  2. Hello April,
    My name is Scott and I am a fireman in North Carolina. I just wanted to get your ideas and thoughts on a lady that wants me to wear sheer pantyhose and or thigh highs with panties?
    She will then invite me over and there is 2 to 3 more ladies over there and she wants me to strip off my clothes so her and her friends can see what I am wearing and they enjoy humiliating, exposing me and embarrassing me.
    What is your thoughts on that and would you consider doing that?
    Hope to hear back from you soon.

    Sincerely
    Scott

  3. I met a guy almost a month ago. He hasn't dated in over 12 years, focusing on raising his son. Im getting frustrated w friends one size fits all advice like he doesn't want to label it because he wants to see other people. He doesn't,  and he doesn't want me too either.  The other biggie is him not making plans ahead of time means im not a priority.  First hes been solo so long its going to take time for him to adjust not to mention hes more of a day unfolds as it happens type. Hes 52, im 41. Both have sons in their early 20s. Both been single for awhile. We say morning and then catch up on our days in the evenings then say good night.  So I feel he prioritizes me as well he can at the moment. Hes living in a fixer upper so he is busy w that on top of work. But we usually hang out at least 2 times a week. Any thoughts or advice? 

  4. I wish I would have read this 2 years ago. I cringed when I read past my mistakes. My boyfriend asked questions I wasn’t ready to answer so I hid things to protect him and myself. The layers came undone and just painted a picture of how horrible I was before we committed ourselves to each other. I did eventually come clean about everything but the damage is done and we are still fighting about it two years later. I would love to read your thoughts on ways to salvage this. Exercises we might be able to do to build trust. For the both of us.

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