When Don Williams said there is no such thing as getting too much love, he didn’t mean obsession. The country music legend believed that anything, no matter how good, can become bad for a person if made excessively available, anything except love, of course.
I’m inclined to agree because he actually knew what he was talking about. You see, unadulterated love is a beautiful thing, one that only makes better when gotten or given right.
Love can, however, be mistaken, for other things that look like it, especially when the recipient has in one way or another been missing out on it. If you don’t know what you are dealing with, you may be viewing potentially toxic signs through a rose-tinted glass as love, rather than what they really signify; an obsession.
More so, the idealized portrayal of love by mainstream media has certainly not helped. The all-consuming love you think you want because of your favorite TV show isn’t as glamorous as they depict, it’s way creepier in real life. People obsessed define love very uniquely, and sometimes, it can get dangerous and unhealthy very quickly.
Also, people have equally become consumed with the idea of obsessive love without even knowing, they end up letting someone with self-esteem issues in, and later find out the person is strangely obsessive over them.
Here are some signs that indicate the person you’re dating is obsessively in love with you.
There is a line between the dreamy feeling of “my man makes time for me”, and the kind of neglect I’m talking about. While it may be okay to hurry things along at work or even take a day off sometimes, abandoning all that he was to be with you is a huge red flag.
Mind you, an obsessive lover convinces himself the reason he has trouble focusing on his daily activities like work, or hobbies is to be available for you, whether or not you want it. Even worse, he will expect the same unrealistic level of commitment from you, and may or may not complain if you don’t give it.
If the guy you are dating is that clingy when you are in the same physical space, and bombards you with calls and texts when you aren’t, there is an issue somewhere. He could be suffering from a mental health condition called Obsessive Love Disorder, and he needs to get help if you intend to stay with him.
Someone with obsessive love sees all that he does as a sacrifice for the greater good. Instead of taking a reasonable step back when the object of their affection complains they’re being overwhelmed, he convinces himself, otherwise, because he thinks he knows what you need better than yourself. So, while you may want to pump the breaks on the relationship, he wants to go full throttle.
He considers everything he does as an investment towards your future together – a future you might not want. In his mind, the end justifies the means, all he wants to do is convince you as well of his good intentions and why they should overrule all the overbearing stuff he does. If you insist on leaving, that’s when things become ugly.
Also, people living with this personality disorder are not the best at handling rejection. Hence, your boyfriend will do anything he can think of to get things to remain the same. From recounting everything he has done for you since you met – including the ones you didn’t ask for, to threatening to physically harm you or himself. If your man resorts to this kind of emotional blackmail whenever you try to leave, he is obsessed.
Control and possession are some of the less subtle signs of an obsessive lover. He takes jealousy to a whole new level that you probably didn’t even think was a thing. His need to stay on you at every possible moment makes him view other relationships that may take your time and attention as a threat.
Anger for other men who show interest in you may be considered a territorial offense at first, but obsessive men don’t stop there. A normal guy will probably let you know he isn’t comfortable with you paying so much attention to other guys, or rein his jealousy in. Your questionable lover might take it up a notch by actually approaching said competition and warning them to back off.
Even worse, he might see a loved one like a cousin or childhood friend, as an equal threat, and all of a sudden, he’ll try to cut you off from friends and family. We all want a man who can stand up and fight for us, but trust me, not like this. This one wants you all to himself, meaning your friends, co-workers, and family can even become the competition at some point if you dare pay them more attention than the barest minimum.
There is a difference between a guy who listens and one who just knows. When a guy picks up on little details from past conversations, it gives this warm feeling when it comes up again, and makes you think that your boyfriend is attentive. That feeling is different from the one you get when your man brings up stuff you are sure you’ve never mentioned, not to him at least.
While you may let it slide once or twice if what he let slip isn’t too personal, this is not something you have to live with. Social media makes it all too easy to get into someone’s past without breaking a sweat, and while that kind of gives a stalker an edge, they usually don’t stop there.
No, he wants to know more than the public has access to so he can feel even more special. It’s like he validates his self-esteem by invading your privacy, excusing his excesses with the reason of love. So, you may find yourself running into your man one too many times at a place he has no business in, but you do. This is not what healthy love looks like, it’s a concrete sign of obsessive love.
The thing about obsessive love is that the object (you) may not see it for what it is at the beginning because it disguises itself as being there. You need a shoulder to cry on? He’s there. You need a sitter for your pet, he agrees, you want company, he is present. He gradually embeds himself into every aspect of your life so he can become indispensable.
While your friends were your confidants before, now he wants to be the only person you feel the need to call or talk to when in need. Unfortunately, the help an obsessive lover offers is usually not as “no strings attached” as they would tout it to be. As long as you make him feel needed, there may not be an issue, since all he wants is your validation.
However, it doesn’t stop the entitlement that festers in his warped mind. That entitlement is what causes the issue when he wants you to do something one way, and you dare to have your own idea. ‘No’ simply doesn’t mean no to him as he believes he has earned a controlling right on your life because of all ‘he does for you.’
Remember, love shouldn’t be forced, it should be a mutual feeling between two people, so if your boyfriend uses the cloak of love to be over-bearing, creepily available at all times and always wanting to know every single detail about you, maybe it’s time you set up an intervention.
Someone who is obsessively in love with you will invade your privacy as he deems fit if it serves his agenda of gathering more information on you. He has no regard for what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. Someone like that has no issue tracking your phone or installing hidden cameras at your place if he senses your holding back.
One thing stalkers have in common whether they are in love with you or not is that they like to watch. And, until he gets the idea that you are not entirely open to his sense of affection, he might even be eager to share his voyeuristic finds with you. Getting pictures of you from your partner while you are together may not particularly be a red flag, but if most of them were taken when you didn’t know he was even there, then it is.
Besides spying on you physically, an obsessive partner wants to know what you are doing digitally as well. He will try all he can to get your phone password, access your social media pages, hoard controversial images of you, and so on. He might also try to endear himself to your loved ones and friends, just to solidify his stand with you.
What would ordinarily endear a man to you starts to induce fear when it becomes over the top. A girl dreams of a man who puts her first, is attentive to her needs, goes out of his way to make her feel special, and is protective of her. We want a man who would drop the important things to spend time with us once in a while.
Generally, straight girls want men who will love them and make them feel special, right? But these things can easily turn toxic if this same man (who you also love) starts overdoing it. What we don’t want is to feel trapped in a relationship because you don’t know what the person you are dating will do if you leave. Or feel like we are being watched every now and then because our man is obsessive.
No one wants a relationship where you can’t spend time with your friends and family members because ‘the boyfriend’ is jealous. While some of these obsessive love signs may seem good on the surface, when you get into it, you realize they are nothing but uncomfortable.
This particular reason is why I always like to know how things ended with the ex(es) before I commit to a serious relationship. You see, someone who loves obsessively very likely did not start with you. Before you came to the center of his world, he most likely got some practice with one or more women in the past.
Going by his problem, it was probably not easy for his exes to get him to back off of them because like I said, people suffering from this illness do not take rejection lightly. Therefore, talking to one or more of the other women he has been with might save you the stress of finding more signs that he has a problem.
Since the obsession makes these people prone to violence when faced with rejection, his exes must have had to get the police involved at some point, maybe even get a restraining order against him. Don’t wait until he gets to this level with you, do your research, and act accordingly.
An obsessive relationship is one where one partner – the obsessed, defines what the other person wants to be based on his needs. It is an all-consuming and unhealthy kind of relationship where one partner treats the other like an addiction, rather than a person with their own will.
Yes, obsessive love can be very dangerous, both to the obsessed and the recipient of their affection. It is usually a result of an underlying mental health condition and the unstable nature of the emotions makes it all the more unsafe for all parties involved.
You can try to form other interests outside of your relationship with your partner. If being around them all the time doesn’t help, you can try to reduce how much you see. Make yourself more aware of what triggers your obsession with this person, and avoid them if you can, more importantly, seek professional help.
By definition, obsession in itself is unhealthy, Psychologists define it as an abnormal fixation on a person. If you find yourself needing excessive validation from someone, or you feel you can’t live apart from the object of your affection, that is definitely not a sign of healthy love.
You are in an obsessive relationship if your partner neglects other aspects of his life to be with you, is super-possessive of you, or threatens to harm you or himself if you leave. He doesn’t respect your privacy, and there’s a tinge of entitlement that makes him think he can control you all in the name of love.
Go through the above-listed signs carefully, and take the appropriate steps if you notice them in your man, for your sake and his. Obsession isn’t something to manage just because “he has his good days.”
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