My Boyfriend's Family Hates Me (11 Things To Do)

by April Maccario

So he asked you to meet his family, and you were either nervous or excited. After all, meeting the family means seriousness, and possibly exclusivity to your relationship. 

And that part is what that matters most. So despite your nerves you get dolled up and choose the right outfit, and when you get there… it’s a complete disaster. And you can’t help but think: "They hate me."

6 Reasons Why They Would Hate You

1. Don’t worry, it happens a lot

First impressions are so important. But sometimes there are just elements when it comes to your boyfriend’s family that are out of your control, and you may be headed into a losing situation no matter how much you want his people to love you. 

And there could be all kinds of reasons to make a situation like this, and no one ever accused dating to be simple - and when you start including family in the mix it can get stressful. And if you are faced with the cold shoulder right off the bat, a million things are going to run through your mind. 

And trust me, there are several big reasons why your boyfriend’s family would have reasons to dislike you, even before getting to meet you. 

2. He could have complained about arguments

I, myself, have made this mistake in my previous relationships: Venting to my mom about the things my partner does that really ticks me off. And at the time it seems harmless, especially if you’re the kind of people who are close to your mom. But over-venting to your parents can really put a huge scar on the relationship that may need to form with you and your partner when the time comes. 

It could be your boyfriend’s family is close, and he could have expressed trials and tribulations. Naturally, people get protective over their loved ones and if the woman their son is dating sounds like the Evil Queen because he’s complained about things, then both you and your boyfriend are going to need to work extra hard to make them see that you are, in fact, a good option for him.

If this is the problem don’t feel like he’s done this on purpose. It’s an easy mistake to make in a relationship, venting to your family. But people who are very close to their relatives eventually will need to learn those boundaries and not sharing your relationship business is the healthiest option.

3. You are not what they expected for their son

Some people plan their children’s entire lives around what they fantasize about and have a hard time letting go of the need to control how things go in their relationships. Often times, disappointment in his choice of lover will make things complicated.

While it is old fashioned and kind of disgusting for a person to feel this way without giving you a chance, this happens a lot in relationships that are interracial, homosexual, or cross-religious. Or maybe its something as shallow as the fact that you’re not the Ph.D. they thought he would marry, or don’t have the right career. 

In this instance, there is not a lot you can do but let your true colors show, and prove to them that you are everything your boyfriend wants and needs. 

Eventually, if you are a good person, his family will see this, and everyone only wants what’s best for the person they love to begin with. Remember, you are not in a relationship with his family yet, until bonds have been formed. It’s important to remember that if you two can make it work, then so can your boyfriend’s family. 

4. Maybe you made a bad first impression

We are all human, and when we’re nervous we tend to make mistakes. Maybe you accidentally made an inappropriate joke? Or perhaps the outfit you chose was not conservative enough. Maybe you came off clingy or shallow to them at your first meeting. 

Whatever the case may be, if you blew your first meeting, then you’re just going to have to try again. Misunderstandings or bad first impressions can have a lasting effect, and if you do not quickly rectify the circumstance, it can fester into a more serious issue. 

5. Helicopter mom or mama’s boy

Helicopter mom or mama’s boy

There have been so many times when I have thought to myself: "My boyfriend’s mom is too involved.” And it can be a problem. A mama’s boy will listen to everything his family (especially his mama) says. And if she is "helicopter mom" chances are she’s not even willing to give you a decent chance to get to know or like you. 

My ex-husband was a mama’s boy. And our relationship went south because his mom had too much control over his love for me. So if this is the issue, you’re going to need to talk to your boyfriend about it, or you could turn heel and run.

I have the issue of my own mother being too protective, and there is always the issue where she has the want and needs to try and control my life so that it is absolutely perfect and she basically hates anyone who hurts my feelings automatically. Especially the person I am in love with. 

Luckily this can change with time, especially if your boyfriend has a private conversation about how she is crossing lines and invading space. However, communication and the correct communication is important - because a mama’s boy will defend their mothers to death - even if they are literally the representation of evil. So tread delicately.

6. Your relationship may be toxic

So the hardest reality to face is the person you love and you just do not belong together. If you have a toxic relationship your boyfriend’s family and your own family will be highly against it. 

If not just for their family member’s sake but for your sake as well. And I promise, they have a good reason - a relationship that is toxic or abusive can rarely ever be fixed, and it can escalate to dangerous measures. It will hurt, but if people are telling you your relationship is poisonous or abusive, it’s better to walk away. 

5 Ways To Fix It

If your boyfriend’s family does not immediately fall in love with you, you’re going to have to find the reason behind it. Nobody hates anybody for absolutely no reason. 

Whether it’s one of the reasons I listed above or a completely different reason, as long as you understand what the problem is, it can be fixed.  And to help you out, here are a few suggestions. 

1. Be respectful - even with the tension

Kill them with kindness. I hated that expression in my youth but if his family doesn’t like you, the best thing you can do is out temper their dislike. Respect is earned, and if you can be respectful even in their worst of moods, it says more about your character and will really impress the man you love. 

2. Be patient, don’t let it deter you

Give it time. Protective families sometimes just need to adjust to the fact that their little boy is building a life - with you in it. They are going to have to get used to including you as part of the family and open their home and hearts to you. And that can be hard for some families, especially if they have suffered betrayal in the past. 

3. Offer to be helpful

Do you know what every mother has to love? A woman who can show she is going to take care of her son the way she does. A woman who helps clean, and cook and gets parties and get-togethers organized. A woman who is helpful will win over the hearts of her lover’s family eventually. 

4. Spend quality time with them

Spend quality time with them

Sometimes it’s just as simple as you and your boyfriend’s family need to get to know each other. Maybe you’re shy at first and they think you’re cold. Or maybe they are not used to strangers intruding in on their family. Either way, going to lunch or a lake, or some kind of outing may help. 

5. Communicate your concerns to your boyfriend

No matter what, it’s important you convey your concerns about his family to your boyfriend. Do be sure not to out-right complain or accuse his family of being any kind of way. 

Just simply express you’re feeling concerned about if they like you or not. Have an honest, calm conversation, so that he understands your point of view so he can work with you to make the situation better. 

FAQs

What do you do when your boyfriend's family hates you?

This is situational. Depending on why they dislike you, the problem can be solved with communication and effort. However, sometimes it takes time and careful planning. Just be patient, figure out why they don’t like you, and work on the problem honestly. 

How do you know if your boyfriend's family doesn't like you?

There are a lot of signs that your boyfriend’s relatives don’t like you. Cold shoulders, rude remarks, never going out of their way to speak to you or look at you. You can go here to find out more signs that they don’t like you. 

Why do I hate my boyfriend's family?

It could be that you are picking up on their hostility towards you, or you are reacting negatively to them not liking you. Which is totally understandable. Just remember, you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. 

What do you do when your husband's family doesn't like you?

If it has been years, it just means that they are not going to like you. No matter what you do. Just remember to stand your ground. You are married to your husband - not his family. And as long as you two have a good relationship, then you shouldn’t worry. 

What are the signs of a bad relationship?

If there is a lot of animosities and resentments, no communication, a lot of arguing, your relationship is probably not a good one. And remember, toxic relationships are a difficult thing to fix, and can escalate into dangerous situations. 

On That Note

Have you ever had a boyfriend whose family did not like you?  Share your stories with us! And make sure to share this article with your friends who are struggling with this issue. Thanks for reading everyone!

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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