Sigh, women are indeed going through things. It can be really depressing to think that almost every stage of our life is wrought with distress. Many of us live for others from as early on as puberty. From the way you dress to the choices you make, as a lady, you constantly have to factor other people into your own happiness.
This reality is supposed to get better as we grow older, but that is hardly ever the case for many. You meet this guy, have children, and think that’s it, only for life to happen, causing you to start all over again.
When you do get the strength to move on, your kids become another factor to consider. You find someone you finally think is Mr. Perfect and boom, he is not your kids’ biggest fan.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably stuck in a dilemma regarding what to do about the man you love hating one of the most important aspects of your life – your children. For some, the answer is obvious, but if it isn’t for you, here are some ways to deal if your boyfriend hates your kids.
This is something I usually advise single mothers to do before getting serious with any man. Most guys who get with women who have kids know liking them is a sure path to her heart, so they usually ‘behave’ in the relationship’s early days.
However, at some point, things begin to unravel and he may even admit to having a problem with your kids. Here are some things to ask yourself first. Does he have kids of his own? Has he dated a single mom before? If yes, did they get along, or was there bad blood between them too?
Your relationship with this guy is important, but so are your kids, you may feel like you’re doing the right thing by trying to bring them together. However, if your love interest has never really liked kids, the chances are slim.
Rather than assuming, you can get some information from his exes or your mutual friends. You could also check his criminal records, for any history of abuse that includes kids, if you have access. What you find will help determine how to proceed.
Has your boyfriend always hated your kids, or has it been all laughs and giggles between them until now? Not to make excuses for him, but since I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I have to ask. What made you conclude what your man feels towards your children is hatred?
Is it how he behaves around them, some things he’s said, or he just prefer to isolate himself from them? Does he even like kids to begin with? If he doesn’t have a problem with kids and was not like this with yours initially, what’s changed?
Are there specific issues he complains about like perhaps you paying more attention to your kids, or that they remind him of your ex? It’s not a good look, but if jealousy is the root of his dislike, then you could create some sort of balance by involving him more.
In the vein of the previous point, some things you can determine by yourself, others you actually have to ask your boyfriend to get a grip on the situation. Sure, you must have noticed some signs on your own like his body language and how he expresses himself with the kids.
Nevertheless, you need to iron out the other aspects like what’s changed or the sincerity of his initial love for them. I understand this is a conversation you may not like to have, but it is crucial to know the way forward.
It would help not to make the talk feel like an attack since you want him to feel comfortable enough to open up. When he does, if it’s something you can step in and make better, good.
If not, you shouldn’t have to tell him this, but you can remind him your kids are not going anywhere. So if you two can’t arrive at a reasonable compromise, then you need to make a decision that ends with your kids growing up in a hate-free environment.
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you can get your partner to open up to you. He might spin something you want to hear just to get out of an awkward conversation, or even choose not to respond at all. You can’t force the truth out of him.
If you find yourself in this situation, you can enlist an important figure he respects enough to open up to. It can be his family, close friend, or religious leader. If he’s close enough to this person, they might even be able to readily tell you something from his past that would explain things better.
Please keep in mind though, the purpose of this isn’t to report your boyfriend or bring a third party into your relationship. There are some things your partner may not share with you but would feel obligated to discuss with a person he respects.
Kids are so adorable that it makes you wonder what is there about them to dislike. But I’ve come to realize some people don’t actually hate all young ones, they are just coming from a place of preexisting bias.
Maybe they had a rough childhood themselves or lost a sibling to childbirth. Anything could have contributed to their attitude. Sadly, once many individuals come to this conclusion, they close themselves off to giving it another chance.
Maybe, just maybe, your man is like this too. It shouldn’t be this hard, I know, but why not suggest that he hangs out with them for a while so he gets to know them. Make sure to let it be in a neutral, controlled environment at first, and for a short while, so it doesn’t get too dramatic. They may not fall in love right away, but it’s worth a try.
Contrary to what society will have you believe, you are more than capable of disciplining your own kids. Whether you choose to buy into the idealized narrative that children need a male presence to behave is your prerogative. I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me how to raise my children, so I won’t do that to you either.
That said, studies show that maltreatment and abuse of kids are most common in households with a boyfriend or stepfather. Based on this and personal experience, it’s best not to give your significant other any real authority over your kids.
He can support or even help make the rules, but you shouldn’t ever let him enforce discipline on your children without your consent. Now that he’s given you reasons to believe he actually hates them, it’s just better to be safe than sorry.
You are at a crossroads because your partner means a lot to you, and obviously, so do your kids. On his part, he must have some redeeming qualities tipping the scale in his favor. Else the decision would have been easier to make, but what if you don’t have to choose?
Here’s the thing, anything can change if he’s willing to put in the effort. I imagine this man loves you as much as you do him, so he might be willing to compromise just to save the relationship.
That’s the thing about love, it could give anyone the right motivation to do whatever it takes; therapy and whatnot just to make things work.
Everyone has their own beliefs, a support system they refer to when things get out of hand. Whether that means self or a supreme being for you, go to it for help. If you are religious, you can either pray about it on your own or enlist the guidance of your spiritual leaders.
Have them advise you based on your faith the best way to proceed before you make your decision. You can also meditate and do some thorough soul-searching if it helps.
If your man truly hates your kids, they will certainly pick up on it even if he tries to act friendly when he’s around them. While you try to decide what is best for you, don’t forget to consider the consequences this might have on them.
In the meantime, to limit the negative effect that being hated by a father figure might have on them, put some boundaries in place. Let him know what is not acceptable to do around them, and be firm in implementing them.
For instance, if his dislike for them sometimes gets the best of him, causing him to yell or talk to them in a derogatory manner, let him know that isn’t okay no matter what, and issue a caveat for the next time it happens.
You could try leading two separate lives, although I don’t know how long you can keep that up. It’s probably how you start your relationship as a single mom – keeping the man away from your kids.
If the bad blood runs deep, and you are bent on making it work with this guy, simply take your romance back to the days before you introduced him to your family. He was not allowed to come to see you, let alone sleep over at your home unless the kids are with their real father.
If you’ve already incorporated group hangouts with his kids into your affair, that should probably stop too. More importantly, you should ask yourself if it’s worth going to such lengths to keep a man.
There is no easy road here, if you’re being frank, you know deep down who would have to go between this man and your kids, if it came to that. As long as these two sides don’t get along, you will always be torn between them, and it will affect both relationships. That’s something you have to think about, you may have a thing for this guy, but your kids are also your responsibility.
By all means, try everything within your means to see if the situation improves, but if joint counseling doesn’t help, don’t deceive yourself by patching what isn’t there. You can only delay your final decision for so long, and the idea isn’t to wait till irreparable damage is done.
So when all is said and done, consider who is more important to you, who you love more between your lover and your kids. Then for your sanity, pick a side and let the one that comes up short go, once and for all.
Have a one-on-one conversation with them to determine the reason. Many times, it’s because they fear that he gets more of your attention. Assure them that won’t be the case, if possible, you can also have their dad reassure them that your new guy won’t replace him.
If you are an adult and mentally capable of making your own decisions, your family’s input on who you date shouldn’t mean much. However, if it does to you, and you’re sure he is the right choice, try and help them see his good qualities and how happy he makes you.
What you accept in terms of raising your kids is entirely your prerogative. If you’re comfortable with your partner assuming a disciplinarian role in your home, that’s fine. If not, you can just have him back you up on the rules, while you enforce them.
When you dislike your kid, you will find yourself focusing more and judging them by their negative traits. You see them as the mistakes they make, sometimes forgetting that they get a lot of it from you. It can have an adverse effect on their mental health and how they grow to see life if that continues.
People, especially women, tend to be more vulnerable when they are with someone they love. Men, on the other hand, like to step into the role of protector and provider. So when you put those attributes together, it can explain why you feel comfortable acting like a baby around him.
Like many women, my boyfriend not bonding with my child would be a red flag that makes me reconsider our relationship. What kind of future can there be with a man who hates my babies? However, dumping him is easier said than done, and if he is just that good, you want to make sure it’s the last resort.
If you found this post helpful, I’m sure another mom out there would too. So kindly share, and leave a comment.