Losing Yourself In A Relationship (21 Warning Signs)

by April Maccario

Relationships are a delight, especially when you’ve found someone you really connect with. I can’t really blame women who get lost in relationships they truly enjoy. However, no matter how smooth your relationship is, it should never be the center of your universe. More so, it shouldn’t make you lose your identity. 

To be fair, people don’t usually realize when it's happening, especially at the initial stages. They just notice that they don’t feel like themselves anymore and all they think about or do is for the relationship. 

Have you lost yourself in a relationship? Are you trying to make sense of your life now because you feel like you’re living for your significant other? Well, that’s the first step, realizing that something is wrong, so you can curb it. 

I could stay here and say “don’t lose yourself in that relationship” or something like that, but I’d rather give you a few pointers that should help you realize if you have actually lost your sense of self.

21 Signs You Lose Your Identity In A Relationship

1. Reducing Communication With Your Friends

“I’ve lost myself in this relationship,” well how can you tell? One way to know is when it’s just the two of you (you and your partner) and almost all your friends aren’t speaking to you anymore. 

If you don’t realize this on time, you’ll wake up one day and discover that you have absolutely no friends. It goes from canceling one brunch with your friends to forgetting to reply to their messages.

2. Abandoning Your Hobbies

Since you’re used to doing things as a couple, this is very likely to happen. Sometimes, you’d give up your personal hobbies just to spend time with your beau. Here’s the thing, you may not notice it at first until you realize you’re more involved in activities that interest your significant other.

3. Using ‘We’ And Not ‘I’

using we and not i

At this stage, the words ‘me’, ‘myself,’ and ‘I’ become foreign vocabulary to you. You’d notice that you keep using ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ more; you don’t see yourself as a single individual anymore. 

4. Making Future Plans That Revolve Around Him

If you notice that your future plans don’t just include him but also revolve around his schedule, then you have probably lost your sense of self. It's normal to include your partner in your future plans hoping for the best, but when it gets to a point where your plans revolve around him it’s not healthy anymore.

5. Neglecting Your Alone Time

Everyone needs some alone time, including people in relationships. Alone time is actually quite healthy, if you can’t remember when last you spent time with yourself then this is a serious red flag. 

6. Doing Everything For ‘Us’ And Never ‘Me’

When you start to notice that everything you do is for you and your partner or sometimes just your partner alone, it shows that you’re starting to get swallowed up by the relationship. You should definitely help out loved ones and romantic partners anytime you can, but don’t lose yourself doing that.

7. Allowing Your Individual Opinions Fade

It's actually true that this doesn't only apply to romantic relationships, the people you are around, frequently tend to have some influence over you. You’d begin to see things from their perspective and also share in their opinions. 

However, there are extreme levels to this. When you notice that most or even all of your personal opinions have either changed or are mixed up with his, it becomes a problem. 

8. Becoming Codependent

becoming codependent

Has someone else noticed how different you are now? Do people see the two of you every time you walk into the room? Well, that’s the life of a lady who has gotten too absorbed in her partner's life. If you notice that you’re becoming extremely codependent, then you’re neck-deep in the belly of your relationship. You need to send out an SOS message and quick!

9. He’s Your New Priority

You don’t dress for yourself anymore, you only wear the colors he likes, you only cook and eat his favorite meals and just generally do things that lean more towards your partner’s preferences. Pleasing him has become your top priority.

10. Becoming A Control Freak

When you start to lose yourself in your relationship, your subconscious would sometimes try to fight back by making you a control freak in other areas. You’d notice that you’re suddenly trying to control every single detail of your life, especially the people. Everyone from your friends and family to your co-workers would begin to notice it. 

11. Losing Your Identity

Retaining your identity and your individuality is the reason why you need to step back from your partner to spend some time with yourself. It's important to continue doing the things you used to do before you started your new relationship

When you’re constantly around a person, you begin to adopt their ideas and see things from their perspective. These things are what help form our identity; if you lose this, you could lose yourself.

12. Passing Up Opportunities For Your Partner

As mentioned above, removing yourself from your own priority list is one of the major ways you lose yourself. This could extend to you passing up life-changing opportunities just to suit your spouse.

13. You Become Extremely Focused On His Life And Affairs

you become extremely focused on his life and affairs

Of course, your partner’s life is your concern, but when you start feeling like you're completely responsible for him, you need to hit the breaks. This type of involvement may be normal in a parent-child relationship, but in a romantic relationship, it’s quite unhealthy.

14. Constantly Talking About Your Relationship

When there’s no conversation you engage in that doesn’t include your boyfriend, this is a serious problem. Apart from being quite annoying to the person who has to hear you go on about your partner, it narrows down your sphere of knowledge and makes you less interesting and one-dimensional.

15. Basing Your Self-Image On The Way He Sees You

The moment you notice that you don’t feel beautiful unless he says that you are, then you’re quickly losing yourself in your relationship. The way you view yourself, whether negative or positive, should never depend on your partner’s opinion of you.

16. You’re Always The One Making Adjustments

Compromise and change are necessary in a relationship; it's what makes things comfortable for both parties. However, when you’re the one making all the adjustments you’re definitely on your way to losing yourself. For instance, you’ve synced your schedule with his, you dyed your hair blonde because he likes blondies, etc.

17. Downplaying Your Differences

Being compatible with your partner doesn’t mean that you won’t have differences in opinions or certain characters. A major sign that you’ve lost yourself to the relationship is when you’re too afraid or hesitant to voice out your own opinion, especially when it doesn’t agree with his.

18. The People Closest To You Point It Out

the people closest to you point it out

When your friends and family (the people you can trust most) keep pointing out the fact that you’re not yourself anymore or that you’re becoming so distant, then you’re probably losing yourself. You need to take a few steps back.

19. Abandoning Your Dreams For His

Everyone has dreams or wishes they had for their lives since their childhood. Your dreams define you in a way, they help you navigate your life path. The moment you start forgetting and abandoning your personal dreams for his, you’re bound to lose yourself completely. 

20. Making Him A Determinant In Your Decision-Making 

If you notice that you always have to check with him or need to ask for his opinion before making a decision, then there's no doubt that you’re totally engrossed in the relationship. It's okay to handle some areas of your life without having to consult him.

21. Banking Your Self-Confidence On Him

The moment you start looking to him for confidence, you’d notice that your self-confidence and self-esteem will begin to diminish. You wouldn’t feel confident going anywhere without him or doing any activities without him. You’d be completely attached to him and dependent on him; this is quite unhealthy. 

FAQs

What does it mean to lose yourself in a relationship?

Losing yourself in a relationship simply means losing your identity and individuality in a current relationship. It often stems from low self-esteem or not knowing and understanding oneself. It's what happens when a person seeks to define themselves through someone else.

What do you do when you lose yourself in a relationship?

You can start by taking some time apart from your partner and spend some time with yourself. Get to know your favorite foods, colors, and movies and spend some time with your friends and family. Stop prioritizing your partner above yourself and changing to fit his preferences.

Can you lose feeling in a relationship?

Yes, it's possible to lose feeling in a relationship, especially in long term relationships. Sometimes a person’s values change and they grow apart from their partner. It's not completely a bad thing and could be a good note to end a relationship on.

What does it mean when you're losing yourself?

Losing yourself means being disconnected from your core essence or nature. You can lose yourself to anything or anyone once you lose track of your general purpose and goals. Once you allow your feelings and perspectives about several things to change on another person’s account, you’re on your way to losing yourself. 

What is the golden rule in relationships?

The golden rule of relationships remains “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Treat your partner the way he asks to be treated, sometimes what you prefer is completely different from what he prefers. So just make sure to communicate enough and encourage him to do the same so you both can understand how you’d like to be treated.

To Conclude

I hope you found this article helpful. Remember, you have a mind of your own, as well as dreams and visions. Don’t lose these just because you want to keep your relationship alive, it's not worth it. 

Please let me know what you think about this topic in the comment section below and share this write up with your friends too.

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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