Letter To Spouse To Save Marriage (11 Heartfelt Tips)

by April Maccario

Marriage is a completely different and complicated phase of life. There’s no other institution that tests your character, attitude, and maturity like marriage. So many marriages have crashed, especially at this age and time because many people don’t realize how much work needs to be put in. 

Despite all the many modern distractions, many women still feel that marriage should be forever. For them, it's something worth fighting for, although many others give up too fast. The few who have stayed and decided to invest time and effort in their marriage have made it through. 

If your marriage is currently on the brink of ending and you’re one of the women who are willing to set your pride aside to make it work, then these are some tips on how to write a letter to your husband to save your marriage. 

11 Tips To Write A Letter To Your Spouse To Save Your Marriage

1. Be sure about your motive

The first step is for you to be sure about what you want to achieve. If your aim is to vent and point out all your husband’s shortcomings, then this method is not for you. You both should agree to go for marriage counseling or see clergy instead.

You should also never take out your anger on your spouse when writing a letter, this is not an opportunity to indirectly attack him. It's also not a good medium to communicate self-pity and to beat yourself up with the aim of triggering his emotions. 

Your motive should be to constructively state the challenges you both are facing with each other, suggest helpful ways to tackle these and to express your willingness to put in the work. It should have the format of a love letter. You’re pouring out your heart to a loved one who you love, and have to get back. 

2. Write a sample letter first

Write a sample letter first

Expressing your emotions in any form is not an easy thing to do at all. For the fact that you even need to write a letter like this, it means that you probably have so many raving emotions bottled up inside. Emotions will always find their way out whether in a toxic way or in a healthy and peaceful manner, this all depends on the way you choose to express it. 

The way you express your emotions to whoever is involved will determine the reaction you get from the person. Sample letters give you the opportunity to pen down all those thoughts and emotions on your mind in their raw form. 

In this draft, you don’t have to care about being considerate of his own feelings or being constructive. All you need to do is focus on getting all your feelings down on paper. This will help you discover how you really feel about everything and helps you narrow down and pick out what emotions you want to convey in the original letter.            

3. Express your appreciation for him

“How do I write letters to my husband?” “Would letters of love to my husband change anything?” “Should I pour out my heart when writing love letters for my husband? These are probably some of the questions on your mind. Well, for the first question, you can start by appreciating him for the role he has played in your life so far and for the husband and father that he has been. 

You can use this opportunity to remind him of the good days and the memorable moments you both shared. Point out that you both still have a chance to make more of these memories if he is willing to work with you on this. Share with him your willingness to do whatever it takes to save the marriage and encourage him to do the same. 

For the second question, the truth is you have to try, put an effort into telling how much you love him. Also, you could reassure him of your commitment to the healing process and how you’re in this for the long-term. Your aim should be to make him feel appreciated, while also letting him know that you both have a lot of work to do. 

For the third question, life is too short not to pour your heart out just to resolve the issues in your marriage, tell him how much you love him after thanking him.

4. Include only the major issues

Don’t try to cram every single challenge you’re both facing into this single letter. Focus on the major issues that you’re facing, that is if you really must list them out. It's advisable not to pile up issues in your marriage until they grow into larger issues, this applies to all types of relationships.

Always try your best to talk out all your issues as soon as possible, even the seemingly insignificant ones. Include only the practical and outstanding issues in your letter, that you both can actively work on to make the relationship better. 

5. Avoid accusing statements

Try your best to use ‘I’ and ‘me’ statements in order to avoid sounding as if you’re pointing an accusing finger at your husband. When addressing negative issues, be careful to avoid statements like “You never show concern for my issues”. Instead, you could say, “Whenever I open up about my issues and don’t get a response, it makes me feel ignored.”  

Phrasing such statements using personal pronouns like ‘I’ and ‘me’, shows your spouse that you’re taking responsibility for your emotions, feelings, and the corresponding actions. It would also help them fully understand how a certain action or statement makes you feel. 

6. Avoid making vague statements

When writing letters that involve such sensitive and emotional statements, it's important to be very specific and direct. “So how do I write a letter to my husband?” Well, don’t assume that your significant other will just understand what you are trying to say. Making vague statements could make you sound insincere and fake. 

General statements such as “I love how thoughtful you are'', aren't the best. Instead, it's better to use statements like “Getting me white roses on my birthday was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me, I loved that”. This makes him aware of the actions that make you happy and cared for. This way he can work on doing more of those things. 

7. Be open and honest about what you want

Most men are wired to be solution-oriented and do not often focus on the problem. Approaching him with prospective solutions to the outlined problems would be a better way to handle this. If there are some things you’d like to address on his part state them out clearly. This gives him a chance to plan his responses and to take action in the direction of fixing these issues. 

This will also give him a sense of accomplishment, knowing that he’s doing something practical to save and improve your marriage. 

8. Be detailed about the part you’re willing to play

After you’ve listed out or stated potential solutions to the challenges, it would be better to state the actions you’re willing to take, moving forward. Try to be detailed and specific, it's not enough just to promise to ‘do better.’ Tell him what exactly you’re going to work on. 

For example “I’ll try my best to nag less and listen to you more often” or “I’m going to work on becoming less indecisive”. Try to be as sincere as possible when you’re stating these, don’t write down anything you're not willing to change

If there are any issues that you both cannot sort out on your own or issues you both find hard sorting out, suggest a marriage therapist in your letter to him. 

9. Don’t play the victim card

Don’t paint yourself as the victim in your letter, this automatically means you’re insinuating that he's the villain. You have to be ready to state the parts you played to make things get this far. State what you’ve noticed he doesn’t like about some of the actions that you’ve taken and accept them.

Tell him what you’re ready to do to work on these toxic actions, and make sure to let him know how sorry you are. It's ok to also specifically tell him how certain actions, on his part, may have affected you too, but do this in the most non-accusing way possible. 

Playing the victim would only make him angry or hurt while he’s reading your letter. Some men would even drop or throw the letter away before getting to the end because no one likes to be painted black.

10. Wait a day or two before you send it

Wait a day or two before you send it

When you're done pouring out your feelings, you want to let it sit for a day or two before you give it to your partner. At this point, there are probably 3 main words on your mind, letter, love, husband. You probably want to get everything over with, but a little patience won’t hurt. The period of time you’d like it to sit for is completely your choice. 

This would give you the opportunity to think things through and to evaluate your motives. Be sure of the changes you’d like to be made as a result of this letter. Read the letter over and over again and try to see things from your spouse’s perspective, this way you could imagine how he’d feel when he does read it and how he’d react to the letter. 

You could even read it in his voice if you’re that dramatic, whatever rows your boat. 

Doing this would also give you the opportunity to edit your letter, remove some statements you don’t feel belong there and add some that you feel would convey the message better.  

11. What to expect next

It's wise to know what to expect after giving your letter to your husband, this way you can prepare your mind and hope for the best. Writing this emotionally exposing letter could leave you feeling weak and even vulnerable. Remember, this guy is supposed to be your best friend and confidant, your life partner, so hopefully, he takes everything well.

Telling your spouse what you’re thinking and feeling could make you feel like you’re giving all your power to your spouse, or as if you're begging to be pardoned or accepted. It's a very fragile state to be in. Keep reminding yourself that you’re trying to save your marriage, and don't fall into the trap of being closed up and proud. 

Once you’ve handed over the letter to your spouse, step back and give them some time to read it and process everything you wrote. They may also need some time to craft out their own response. Try your best to be patient but don’t let a month pass by without getting a response. 

Don’t also fully expect a verbal response or a reply in the form of a letter, some men may just choose to make corresponding changes in their actions, they believe actions speak louder than words. Whatever the case may be, patience is key.     

FAQs

How do I write a letter to my husband to save my marriage?

Think through the points and issues you’d love to focus on, you could do this by writing a rough draft where you include all your raw feelings. Try your best to include only the main issues. 

How can I save my marriage when my wife wants out?

Give her some space, whatever you do, don't choke her with pleas and gifts, it would seem like you're trying to buy her back. Instead, send her a message telling her how willing you are to work on fixing things.

Can one spouse save a marriage?

Marriage is an institution that involves two people, therefore it will only take the effort of both parties to make it work. If one partner wants to leave a marriage, it doesn’t matter how willing the other party is, that marriage won't work unless both parties agree to work on it.

Can you save a loveless marriage?

Love can always be rekindled in a marriage, but it would take the hard work and determination of both parties. If both partners decide that they’re going to be intentional about their marriage, even though the sparks have died down, then the marriage has a chance to blossom.

What are the signs of a toxic marriage?

When you and your husband more frequently than not, go through long periods of giving each other the silent treatment or avoid healthy communication about your issues and disagreements the marriage is probably getting toxic. It’s advisable to see a marriage counselor at this point.

To Conclude

I hope you enjoyed this article. Remember, having the courage to fight for your marriage is a positive thing. Don’t feel weak for making this decision. It's always better to give your marriage a fighting chance no matter what. Please let me know what you think about this in the comment section below, and remember to share.   

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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