My Husband Is Not Affectionate (13 Things To Do)

by April Maccario

If you feel your husband is not affectionate enough, you may be feeling a disconnection. If you would like to know how to improve the physical intimacy the two of you share in your marriage, don’t worry; we’ve got you covered in this post.

However, you should realize that affection is not the most important course of the meal; intimacy is. You can be close to one another and feel a great deal of intimacy without having affection included. You see, intimacy is more than just physical touch. 

In fact, The Marriage Foundation has some great tips for cultivating intimacy outside of the bedroom, including the fact that you should speak to each other with respect and show appreciation for your love.

In this article, we’ll take a look at some of the possible reasons your spouse is showing a lack of affection. Plus, we’ll go over 13 surefire ways to get your marriage back on track, if you feel that a lack of affection is the problem you are experiencing in your relationship.

Why Is My Husband Not Affectionate?

If your husband previously was affectionate, and you don’t know why he has backed off, you may need to realize there are lots of reasons men withhold physical affection. They may just be going through something they don’t feel like talking about. 

Remember, typically, women enjoy talking about their feelings more than men do. He may just want to deal with it internally.

Your husband may be stressed over work, money, his health, or your children. His mind may be so preoccupied that he hasn’t had time to think about showing you true love in a physical way - other than maybe your regular sex life activities. 

He may just assume that you know what’s on his mind and naturally understand why he has been somewhat distant.

13 Things You Can Do About A Non-Affectionate Husband

1. Don’t Tell Him What To Do

Bossing your spouse around isn’t going to bring the two of you closer. If you are craving physical intimacy, it’s something you will need to work toward. Build a healthy, strong relationship, focusing on each other’s wants and needs. A solid marriage is all about respect, compromise, and healthy boundaries.

Think of it from his point of view; he is tired, had a long day at the office, or just feels blah; the last thing he wants is to come home to someone bossing him around with a mile-high to-do list. Rather, he’s wanting to be happy when he walks in his front door with a wife who is excited to see him, not someone telling him how he’s screwed up.

2. Don’t Start Complaining About It

don't start complaining about it

It’s never a good idea to complain too much. Make sure you don’t nag him about wanting more affection all the time; it’s definitely not a productive way to get what you want. He doesn’t want to constantly hear how you think he’s screwing up. Instead, be positive; tell him about the things you appreciate that he does well. He’ll be much more receptive. 

There’s also the concept of reverse psychology. If you are continuously telling your man the reasons that he isn’t measuring up, perhaps subconsciously, he’ll not want to do what you are harping on. Instead, if you need something, like more physical touch, tell him once, and give him time to adjust his actions to oblige your request.

3. Fix Yourself Up

Show your husband that you are still a hottie by making yourself look sexy. Forget about no makeup and putting your hair in a bun, even if he doesn’t seem to notice the difference. Believe me, he will notice what you’re doing, even if it’s not right away.

Surprise him one night with a candlelit dinner, even if you just go pick up take-out from the Italian restaurant around the corner. Do your hair all fancy, as if you were going to the ballet or salsa dancing. Wear his favorite little red dress. Before long, with surprises like that, he won’t be able to wait to get home and show his best girl affection.

4. Remind Him How Fun You Are

Along with you beautifying yourself, make certain that you show your husband that you are still the fun individual he fell in love with. Dance around the living room, make your calendar full of exciting events for the two of you, and/or take him out to play pool or sing karaoke. 

5. Show Appreciation

show appreciation

Your husband may make sacrifices for you that you aren’t even aware of, like making your coffee in the morning or sending you texts letting you know when he’ll be home. Make a conscious effort each day to tell him one thing you appreciate that he does for you. A marriage is a partnership, so you should treat it like one. 

Start saying, “Thank you” more often, and show him you have noticed the little things he has done - the stuff he doesn’t think you’ve noticed. You may have taken a lot of what he does for granted, especially if you’ve been married for a long time. Try to think of all the ways your spouse shows you love and tell him you are grateful for it all.

6. Don’t Expect Him To Be Someone He Is Not

Some people just don’t show affection in the same way as others, or they have a lack of the desire to show it. An actress once said she had an enormous need for affection, but not a terrible need to give it. That doesn’t mean she was a selfish person; rather, she just showed love differently. Allow your husband to be the person he is, and accept him.

If you married a rugged man who never showed intimacy with physical affection but instead took you on adventures, wined and dined you, and/or challenged you intellectually (the reasons you fell head over heels for him), don’t think he will change. Most people don’t change, so recall the positive aspects of your spouse.

7. Stay Busy

stay busy

Sometimes, the easiest way to get your spouse to spend more time together with you is to show him you don’t need him, even if you really do. Spend time with friends and family; fill up your calendar with work events. Before you know it, he’ll feel jealous of all the stuff you’re doing, and he’ll want to spend more time together, showing intimacy.

8. Compromise With Him 

Men and women are different creatures when it comes to the topic of affection. Often, women have a hard time forgetting what they are upset about and withhold affection because of it, whereas men typically can go easier on their spouses despite the current status of the relationship. Basically, they forgive easier - at least some do. 

This is why Jane Austen said that 9 out of 10 women need to show more affection than they feel. Don’t nag about everything under the sun. Learn to let go and show love even if you aren’t in a loving mood. Instead of carrying around baggage, never let the sun go down on your anger. If you must, journalize your concerns so you can let them go.

9. Don’t Resort To Gossip

Really, your marriage is only your business. Don’t post a large tribute about your marital problems on Facebook. You may not appreciate the comments you receive; you’ll either have your feelings validated, making you further obsessive about this problem, or your friends will wonder why you are sharing something so private. It’s just not a good idea.

10. Voice Your Expectations

voice your expectations

On the flip side of nagging comes telling the truth. Don’t get me wrong; you shouldn’t complain and nag about the problem, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything. Contrary to what some believe, men aren’t like mind readers. You may eventually need to tell your spouse what is on your mind; just don’t bring it up on a daily basis or anything.

Explain what you want, what you feel is missing from your marriage, and how it makes you feel. It’s always a smart idea to use “I feel” statements when approaching difficult subjects. Discuss how you’d like him to treat you differently, but let him process what you had to say; give it time before you consider bringing it up again. 

11. Realize The Ways He Does Love You

Does your husband feed the dog, take out the trash, and play with the children each day, regardless of how tired he is? Those are lots of ways he is showing love - love for your home, love for your family, and love for you. Realize that he may not show you he loves you through physical affection, but he does in many other ways. Appreciate him.

12. Accept The Good Things In Your Marriage

A friend of mine often takes the good parts of her marriage for granted. She’s a busy executive, of course, working plenty of overtime at her law firm, but what girl is this lucky? Her man cooks, cleans, pays the bills, does the laundry, and makes her shakes in the morning before he goes to work. Now, that's Prince Charming!

However, I tell you this story because their marriage isn’t traditional. They keep different hours, so they have separate bedrooms as couples did in the ’50s, and I think, because of this, they don’t have a lot of physical intimacy in their relationship. But, hey, she’s happy in her marriage, and so is her husband. Remember the good stuff. 

13. Don’t Overanalyze The Situation

don't overanalyze the situation

So, you’ve brought up the problem; you’ve decided to not harp on the subject. What’s next? First of all, don’t obsess over your circumstances. If you are thinking about it too much, consider writing in a journal or write your spouse a letter, explaining your feelings and how you wish things were different. Don’t send it, but externalize your feelings.

Second, realize that your relationship may not be in jeopardy because of this. There are many marriages out there that are struggling to keep it together. They may be separating or even contemplating divorce and are unable to see their children every day. In other words, it could be worse. Focus on the healthy aspects of your marriage.

Finally, I suggest you try to put it out of your mind. It’s not healthy to ruminate on negative thoughts or the way you wish things were. Practice the psychology trick of stop blocking when you feel another thought about this problem inside your head. Stop blocking is making a conscious effort to divert your thoughts from something right away.

FAQs

What do you do when your husband is not affectionate?

There are many things you can do if you are thinking, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic.” Start by realizing that not all men are affectionate towards their women. Instead, they show their love in other ways. Enjoy the way your husband shows love.

What does it mean when your husband shows no affection?

It may simply mean that he currently has more than his sex life on his mind. He may be preoccupied with work, money, your children, or making you happy with other things that he does. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he has fallen in love elsewhere or is cheating.

Can a marriage survive without affection?

Yes! Some people acknowledge that “my husband is not affectionate or romantic” but have a completely happy and successful marriage. They realize that their marriage is full of other wonderful things like trust, love, faith, and a strong foundation. Think about the characteristics of love, as listed in the Bible.

How do you know when your husband no longer loves you?

As mentioned in the last question, love means different things to different people. Most likely, if your husband has fallen out of love with you, he will either tell you or exhibit strange behavior. He may try to stay out with friends more, avoiding his home life if he’s unhappy.

How do you know your husband doesn't respect you?

He may violate your boundaries, exhibit jealousy, or have a real lack of trust toward you. If the relationship becomes toxic, it’s best to start weighing the good and the bad, especially if the relationship is abusive. It’s better to move on than to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

To Sum Things Up…

Are you dealing with a lack of affection from your husband? Do you now see the actions you can take to encourage him to be more affectionate? What tips do you have for the readers who are going through the same thing?

Please comment and share this post!

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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