My Husband Doesn't Sleep In Bed With Me (10 Things It Could Mean)

by April Maccario

As a wife, getting married involves a whole lot of sharing with the person you love; you share your lives together and that involves sharing finances, a house, a family, food, and of course a bed. It goes without saying, if you're not sharing any of these things, it'll feel weird. 

I know that the first thing that'll cross my mind if my husband doesn't sleep in bed with me is that he's cheating. It's every woman's go-to, but the truth of the matter is that there's a bunch of other reasons for this. 

Sure, it's definitely a problem, but I'm here to open your eyes to a whole new world of possibilities. So, if you're one of those people wondering 'why won't my husband sleep with me?' it's time to look at it another way. It could be a number of things including cheating, but it's good to have a full picture. 

My Husband Doesn’t Stay In Bed With Me

1. He keeps late nights 

Sure, it all seemed like a fairytale when you first got hitched, that's how it's meant to be. But then reality creeps in and your man has to go to work. Even more, his boss keeps him at work pretty late. It's not out of the question for him to crash on the couch or in your guest room. Perhaps he's simply trying his best not to disturb his wife, and that’s OK.

In this case, the fact that he does not sleep in the same bed as you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. In fact, it's the contrary, he just wants to make sure you're not disturbed by his nocturnal pattern. In some cases, it's not his work that keeps him up at night, he may be catching up on the highlights of his favorite game. If he's watching it downstairs, it's equally not out of the question for him to sleep there. 

Even if it's become a pattern of sorts, be sure to know exactly what's going on before accusing him of having a mistress. As much as he's your Prince charming and all that other romantic stuff, he's still a man. So, it's allowed for him to blow some steam off with a game here and there. The main take out from this point is that you need to ask or at least observe. You see, the reason he's sleeping on the couch or in the guest room may have nothing to do with your relationship. 

2. Varying sleeping habits

When you were single or still dating, you probably either slept alone or spent the night together once in a while. That's not ample time to learn each other's sleeping habits. Maybe you snore, or he snores… let's go all out and say the both of you snore. Even more, maybe you like to sleep in stark darkness while he appreciates a little light. Then there's the issue of rolling and sprawling your limbs across the bed. 

When you finally move in together, both of you may realize that it's a different ball game. The snoring may keep one of you up all night, or the darkness may do the same. If this is the case, it's enough reason to wake up once in a while to find the space next to you empty. The key here is to try not to be passive-aggressive about all this. For the most part, people can't control their sleeping habits. It only becomes a problem if one person internalizes this. 

Take some time out to talk about these things. Heck, you can even joke about it if your sense of humor can carry you there. You don't have to sleep together if someone isn’t actually getting any sleep. As long as this does not mess with your sex life, the love you share, and your day-to-day relationship, it's not a problem at all

3. Your intimacy is level is a joke 

Now, I'm not here to shame anyone or ignore the fact that as a wife, you do quite a lot. It's not out of the question to want to fall into bed and sleep at night. Even on nights where your husband wants to get freaky, it's hard to muster up the energy. In fact, it's very easy to fall into this pattern as you get more comfortable with your partner. I'm here to tell you today though, you need to try to throw in some sex here and there.

The wonderful and equally annoying thing about human beings is the fact that we don't always say what we mean. For the most part, no matter how 'upfront' you are about most things, you're bound to be passive-aggressive about a few others. This happens especially when it involves sex because it's a tricky issue. So, rather than just telling you that it's a let-down every time you don't want to have sex, he may just camp on the couch. 

As a couple, sex is one thing you can't just let go of. In fact, it's much deeper than a primal urge, because it equally shows how much you love each other. So, if it's off the table, it's equally possible that's why your husband stays out of bed. I don't need to tell you how to fix it in this case, wife-up because the ball is in your court. 

4. You have kids 

As much as they are bundles of joy, these little tykes can throw a wrench in your love life. When people say that having kids and starting a family changes everything, you better believe them completely. While some parents start from the onset and let their babies sleep in a separate room. Others have their kids sleep in bed with them. Both methods have their ups and downs, but I'll tell you this for sure. Having sexual feelings, or any form of being intimate is mighty hard with your two boys sleeping between you. 

I dug up some information to back this notion up from Men'sHealth, so you don't have to take my word for it. Apparently, out of 1000 parents polled by Leesa (a mattress company), a whopping 46% admitted that their sex drive died in the trenches after having kids. So, if you've suddenly noticed that your husband doesn't sleep on the bed anymore, this could be a factor. 

Perhaps, your partner just wants to give you and the kids space, or, he's equally feeling the effects of new fatherhood. For some people, they may even feel like you're neglecting them and directing all your attention to the new baby. Altogether, this is an adjustment that neither of you can handle on your own. You need to do it as partners, so it doesn't have a strain on the relationship you've built. So, talk it out and do what you need to do to keep a healthy balance. 

5. He's seeing someone else

We have to at least explore this option because it is actually a possibility. Is it a big possibility in this case? I'm not completely sold on that. I just know that if I was stepping out on my spouse, I'd try my best not to raise any red flags at home. But, the truth of the matter is that some guys can't bottle up those feelings when there's a disconnect. Now, I'm not the kind of lady that blames someone when their spouse is cheating. It's part of a select group of actions that there's really no excuse for. 

But in some cases, it can be avoided. Let's look at a scenario where you've both fallen into a rut in the marriage. You're not having sex as frequently or at all, everything ends up as an argument or, you both throw yourself into work and other activities. If any of this sounds familiar, then you both need help. Like I said earlier, all of this is no excuse for cheating emotionally or physically. But, it's a push in that direction. 

So, in this case, your husband may feel like it's wrong to share a bed with you. As a result, he'll go out of his way to rest anywhere else. In some rare cases, he'll own up to it if you talk to him, but sometimes you have to do a little digging to know if this is why your husband doesn't sleep with you anymore. 

6. He simply wants his own space

Being a couple is amazing, but one thing is for sure, there's no easier way to let go of some independence than getting married. It's not necessarily a bad thing, some of the best things come in pairs. Peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, Netflix, and chill… you get the drift. Nevertheless, deciding to be together is a big step in every relationship. Mostly because coexisting in the same space is not the easiest feat. 

Based on all I've just said, it's not out of the question to want a little space now and then. In fact, it's become a whole new thing and it's termed 'sleep divorce'. Couples do it for a wide range of reasons, one of which is the fact that they need space. If you nap together, wake up together, shower together, watch TV together, and even hang out with friends together, something's got to give.

As intimate and comfy as snuggling together at night might be, sleeping on a different bed can be just as exhilarating. If you're in a rut, some scheduled time apart may be just what you need. The keyword here is 'scheduled', so it's not cool for your husband to try this out while you're in the dark. You can actually help each other on this front and support each other too. Even better, the time apart may make your bedroom tete-a-tete more exciting because you'll have time to miss each other. 

7. Sleeping alone is fun and healthy 

This sort of ties in with the previous option, sometimes it's just this simple. Some experts even say that sleeping on your own makes for healthier sleep. It's not just healthy for your body, but it works wonders for relationships too. I'm not saying that all your issues are rooted in your bedroom habits, but it could breed a few of them. 

I already mentioned this before, but I'm going to zoom in for a bit. Let's say you snore a lot, and I'm not talking about that cute sort of purr when you're asleep. It's more of a grinding in your throat and chest that probably keeps your husband up at night. When you were dating, it was fine since he'd only lose sleep once or twice a week. Now that you’re his wife, it's an everyday occurrence since you two share a home. 

He may not want to come out and say it, especially if he just wants to keep the peace. This is why he may not talk to you about the whole situation, but best believe that your husband will look for avenues to lay his head somewhere else. It could be in the guest room, on the couch, or even at a buddies place. If you find out that this is the case, it's not out of the question to let him have his space. You don't want any resentment to build up and trust me, it will if he's not getting a good night’s rest. 

8. You have unresolved issues 

Do you know how it is when someone you care about deeply hurts you? In this situation, you can't help but feel a huge disconnect between the both of you. This often spills into other areas and a major change occurs in the bedroom. It may be because of past infidelity, some sort of betrayal, or friction. Nevertheless, leaving it to fester and boil over is a big mistake.

Not only will your husband pull away by sleeping somewhere else, but he’ll also do this in more than one way. Say goodbye to being intimate, and forget about the days you were thicker than thieves. In this case, you need all the help you can get. Try out some counseling if it gets to that point or not. It won't hurt if you talk to a professional about major issues that are keeping you apart. 

You also need to make an effort to show that it's going to be OK. While doing this, patience is key because relationships, including yours, aren't built in a day. So, if your husband has trust issues and has set up camp in the guest room, don't expect a single therapy session to fix it all. Just try your best to trust the process and in turn, it will deliver. 

9. That's just the kind of man he is 

So, you may have this idealistic notion of what being married is all about. Joint checking accounts, endless slumber parties, and kids… lots of them. Just as it is in many other areas of our lives, the reality is often quite different from the fantasy. So, while you're busy wondering why the man of your dreams prefers the couch to the bed you share, instead, ask him why.

More often than you think, things are incredibly simple and this could be such a case. Maybe he was an only child and got used to sleeping on his own, or he simply enjoys it because it's his personal preference. If you take out some time to talk about it, then you’ll probably find ways to manage the situation. If there’s anything you need to become an expert on while being married, it's compromise. Altogether, there is always a route to take that’ll favor both parties. Even more, who knows? You might enjoy sleeping without your husband once in a while as long as there are no deep-rooted issues in the picture.

10. You've lost your sense of camaraderie

A marriage can't only survive on the flame of passion, you need to be friends to brave it out for better or for worse. So, when the passion dies down and there's no friendship or camaraderie to back it up, it's a different ball game. At this point, your husband not going to sleep on the same bed as you are not the problem, it's just part of it. Also, I'm not here to point accusing fingers at you or your husband, it takes two to tango as far as romantic love is concerned. 

So, if you've felt a bit off lately and to top it all off, your husband doesn't sleep with you anymore, it's time to be proactive. Sure, humans drift apart, but everything can be fixed if you put your mind into it. Whether you have kids or not, set out some time to really spend time together. Experience each other the way you used to when you just met. Because if that spark of friendship dies out, it'll seep into other parts of your world. 

Before, you even dive into fixing it, both of you need to admit that there's something wrong. Even more, you need to accept it, if you need some help. Maybe get couples counseling or anything along that line. These kinds of issues don't sort themselves out, you need to get ahead of it and seek help where you can get it. At the end of the day, it's not all about where your husband goes to sleep, it's about the state of your life together.

FAQs 

What to do if your partner doesn't want to sleep with you? 

First, you have to try not to push it. You're going to be asking the question, 'why does my husband sleep on the couch every night?' for a long time if you come on too strong. Try to talk to your partner about it and let them know you are there to support them. 

Why won't my husband sleep in the same bed as me? 

There's no one reason why this may be happening, it could range from stress to infidelity. Maybe he's going through something outside your relationship or has specific problems within. You'll never know if you keep speculating, so be proactive instead and look for non-confrontational ways to make it run smoothly again. 

Is it important to sleep with your spouse? 

I don't mean to scare you, but yes, very much so. Sleeping together, even without sex breeds a form of closeness with the relationship. So, you can't brush it off as nothing if the man you built a life and marriage suddenly won't sleep in the same bed with you. 

Is sleeping in separate beds bad for marriage? 

That is totally dependent on why you're sleeping apart. If it's a mutual decision, then it very well may have little to no effect on the state of your marriage. But if it comes out of the blues and keeps you up at night, you may want to take a closer look at the situation. 

How long do sexless marriages last? 

This article on the New York Times specifically points out the fact that sexless marriages tend to be a lot less happy. Riding on that point, there's a huge possibility that sexless marriages don't last as long. In fact, the same article states that couples in a sexless marriage are more likely to get divorced. 

To Conclude

'We don't sleep in the same bed any more', these are eight dreaded words for most healthy couples. Nevertheless, I hope the points above have been able to clear some doubts and point you in the right direction. 

I'm always open to contributions, criticism, and commendations, so please drop a comment below. Take it up a notch and share this with anyone who needs it. 

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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