How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? (13 Incredible Ways)

by April Maccario

You lied to your spouse when you said you were traveling for work but rather, spent the weekend with your lover from work. Sounds familiar? 

If so, you are likely are that affairs hurt deeply and tear at the fabrics of every relationship. Most often, we fail to realize that when we give in to those temptations, we are not only hurting our partners but ourselves and our family. 

For every couple, recovering from infidelity can be devastating. Seeing your partner dealing with such utter disappointment, disgust and heartbreak is shattering and is probably the worst place to be in the world emotionally. 

Working through infidelity in a relationship takes tremendous work, vulnerability, and patience from both parties but the good news is, it can be achieved. 

13 Ways To Help Your Spouse Heal

Although many couples are able to resolve infidelity issues, it is, however, important to note that while the chances of recovery are plausible, reconstructing the relationship can be really hard work. 

Marriage and family therapist, David Klow, affirms this by saying that it is difficult for couples to recover after a partner has been unfaithful, however, those that recover come out stronger

That said, here are 13 ways to help your partner recover from an affair and hopefully save your marriage in the process.

1. Cut off all communication with the affair partner

Cut off all communication with the affair partner

This might be easier said than done but it is the first step to a full reconciliation with your partner. You might experience withdrawal symptoms from the affair but focus on the importance of your marriage; if you’re to make the relationship work, you have to cut off the affair partner. Your betrayed spouse will feel much better if he knows you no longer communicate with this person. 

As humans, we have weaknesses no doubt. You likely found yourself surfing through social media and before you knew it, you were scrolling through some random guy’s page. One way you can help your husband recover from affair depression is to sever ties with this other guy. You may need to unfollow him and delete his number, if this doesn't happen, there are chances the affair might continue. 

This can be a difficult step especially after emotional connections have been developed, but that’s one of the most important ways for the betrayed spouse to heal and to save your marriage as well.

2. Come clean

Opening up to your partner about your affair definitely leaves you vulnerable and boxed into a wall. Because of the magnitude of betrayal, your spouse would most likely be hurt and confused and would like to know every detail. 

As uncomfortable and painful as this is, you have to have the affair talk; open up and share all the details on how and when the affair started and give answers to the questions asked. No more lies and deceit but pure unfiltered honesty, after opening up, would he still stay? The truth is you wouldn't know but opening up does begin the process of acceptance and healing.  

A marriage therapist, Caroline Madden, stated that spouses have left relationships not just because their partners were unfaithful but because they couldn't bear the half-truths that were told. It’s one thing to cheat, and another lie and feel that your spouse won’t have the coping skills to take the truth. 

Even though that’s true, it doesn’t make sense not to keep one or two details out. If he’s going to heal, he needs to know what happened, why it happened, and how long it has been going on.

3. Give an empathetic and sincere apology in words and actions

Cheating is heartbreaking and its effects on your partner can be tumultuous. You have hurt your spouse deeply and one of the ways to make amends is by rendering a sincere apology. Sometimes, your partner might require this apology over and over for some weeks. The right apology can help alleviate some level of anguish and distress.

Choose your words carefully, your apology should express that you feel pain for putting your spouse through this. Apologies like 'I am sorry for whatever I did' or 'I'm such a terrible person' do not cut it. From your apology and actions, your husband should be able to tell that you understand and feel the pain that you have put him through. 

4. Be willing to do whatever it takes

Being on this end of the rope can be difficult, trust me. But if you want to salvage what's left of the relationship and save your marriage, then you must be willing to do whatever it takes. 

Trust can be very sensitive and once it’s broken it takes a whole lot of work to get it back. Recovering from an affair can be hard, that’s why you have to put in everything to make the relationship work.

Once your partner sees the effort on your path to rebuild that trust, he will come around and heal faster. If you didn't know his love language before your affair, take time out to study it and try to do things that will express your love for him. It might be a daunting situation now but eventually, things can get better between you and your partner.

5. Take an STD test

There is the possibility you might have contracted an STD from the affair partner, an STD test will quell that anxiety and put you and your partner at ease. It would be worse if you end up transferring a venereal disease you got from outside the relationship to your spouse. 

Be sure to get tested especially if that is what your partner wants. An attestation from you wouldn't help much as your words do not carry much weight right now.

6. Give your partner space and time

When the truth comes out, your husband would probably experience shock and betrayal. He might move out of the house for a bit or into the guest room, things will definitely not go back to the way they were just because you broke down and rendered an apology. If your partner asks for space then give him some time. 

They need time to absorb the information and evaluate the situation. This is where you have to practice patience and allow them to heal at their own pace. They dictate the recovery pace, not you. So, it might take some months or years but keep being present when they need you and stay away when they do not want to see you.

7. Seek counseling

Seek counseling

It will help to seek counseling when recovering from an affair. Talking to experienced couples can guide you in the healing process, however seeking professional counseling will guide proper healing. Rebuilding trust after infidelity can be difficult and sometimes the couples are not sure how to even begin rebuilding. 

According to Dr. Shirley Glass in her book, ‘Not Just Friends,’ she states that the partner that has been cheated on suffers something similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is from how shaken he might be from such a betrayal. They often feel that their haven of safety has been taken away from them, with such raw emotions, counseling will facilitate smooth healing.  

Also, a marriage therapist will guide you on the next steps to take. It is, however, important to seek out marriage friendly therapists. Some therapists believe that after a partner has been unfaithful, the marriage cannot be repaired. You should seek out one that shares your vision and would want to work with you to rebuild the marriage.

8. Own up and accept responsibility

This is not the time to dish out blames and be defensive, own up to your mistakes, and seek forgiveness. Nobody coerced you into being unfaithful, things may not have been so great in the relationship before but it still doesn't give grounds for being unfaithful. Accept that they were moments of weakness and you totally failed your husband. 

Additionally, do not blame the state of the marriage on your friends or the environment you found yourself in, or even the devil. Your focus should be on apologizing and in more than one way, assuring him you won’t see this other person again. Owning up and apologizing is a step in the right direction.

9. Understand what led to the affair

You have to understand the root of the problem so that it doesn't happen again, were things so bad in the marriage?  Was there a total lack of communication between you and your partner? Were you feeling unloved so you sought it somewhere else? Are you suffering from addiction that clouded your judgment? (sex, drugs, alcohol, or pornography). 

Of course, these are no excuses for engaging in an affair, but it will help to resolve these issues so you can move forward with your spouse in rebuilding the relationship. If the underlying problem is not resolved, there are chances that it can reoccur.

10. Be accountable to your partner

Prior to your affair, you probably were not 100% accountable to your partner, because of the trust clause, you experienced some level of freedom as regards your personal affairs. Well, one thing is certain, things change after an affair. In the process of seeking forgiveness from your husband, you owe them accountability. 

Give the passwords to your phone, call history, email, and social media accounts, be open and forward with any message you receive that might be implicating. These steps are to prove to your partner that you have nothing to hide and you are willing to work on the marriage. You have broken your husband’s trust so you have to go to great lengths to put them at ease.

11. Commit to being faithful and trustworthy

Trust is like an egg; once it is shattered, it is very difficult to put back together.  Additionally, trust takes time to be earned, therefore, practice patience whilst you put in the work to prove to your partner that you can be trusted. 

Ensure you ditch the white lies and anything that might make you look inconsistent as your spouse would be looking out for one fact or storyline that doesn’t add up. Openly communicate and make continuous efforts towards rebuilding the marriage. Do not hesitate to go out of your way to show your spouse that you are dedicated to the marriage.

12. Protect your marriage

Protect your marriage

Recovering from affairs are trying times no doubt, the marriage could end up working or you both end up going your separate ways. It is important to protect your marriage or what's left of it during these times. 

Surround yourselves with friends, people that want to see you both succeed, want the best for you, and would not try to sabotage the process in any way. You should also avoid speaking badly about your husband to third parties. Outsiders should not be privy to what happens in your marriage as it should only be between you and your spouse.

13. Forgive yourself and together start over

Seeing your partner hurt can be devastating for you as well, he’s not the only person feeling the burn. You do not have to go through it alone, talk to close friends that have good intentions for you, your pastor, counselor, or even a support group. 

As you focus on helping your partner heal, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to go through the process of healing as well. Meditate and ask yourself the important questions about how you got there in the first place and come up with solutions so it doesn't occur again. 

FAQs

How can I help my husband get over infidelity?

Stop the affair with your lover and confess to your partner, tell the truth and answer all the questions your partner might have like how long the affair has been on, when it started and when it ended.

How can I help my partner heal?

People need time to recover when their trust has been broken, sincerely apologize, and give your partner time and space to process things. Allow them to set the pace of the recovery process and open as well; do not lie about anything.

How can I save my marriage after infidelity and lying?

Be accountable to your partner, give up your passwords to your phone, call history, social media accounts, and other locked apps on your phone. This will show you have nothing more to hide. Also, seek professional counseling.

How do you save my marriage after I cheated on my wife?

Your partner will require support and counseling after your affair, some people experience PTSD after a partner cheats. Professional counselors that specialize in marriage and breakups can guide you and your husband through the healing process.

Does infidelity pain ever go away?

The pain of infidelity can go away, we have seen couples survive infidelity but it took intentional hard work. You must be willing to wake up every day and work on the partnership, it might take a year or two but it goes away eventually.

In A Nutshell

The process of healing can be very difficult and has no particular time frame, your spouse might seem fine today but tomorrow something may happen that triggers those negative emotions. It takes a consistent effort to rebuild trust. Hopefully, these coping tips above will come in handy, I stay rooting for you.

I sincerely hoped you enjoyed reading this. I would love to know what you think so drop your comments in the comment section below.

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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