If you’ve had avoidant partners in the past, you know that they can be quite different in relationships. Often, they see things completely backward, or so we may believe. In reality, they were taught to be avoidant as a result of something that happened during their childhood.
You may be wondering how to deal with an avoidant partner. Unfortunately, there isn’t one recipe that bakes the cake in this situation because everyone is different, but I can offer you some insight on how to best cope with an avoidant partner.
In this article, we will examine the various ways that you can have a successful relationship with someone like this. We’ll also take a look at just what causes and defines the avoidant attachment style.
Usually, with this attachment style, the person was left alone at a young age. He might have been abandoned or left alone a lot as a child. This makes him very independent, and perhaps it seems like he is very confident, when really there is a hurt little boy inside of there. This causes him to have a high level of anxiety when it comes to his heart and soul.
He probably guards them very closely, as he thinks that no one will ever meet his needs. He perhaps prefers to be alone because he trusts himself more than he does anyone else. This independent attitude makes you think he needs lots of space, and in reality, he does. It’s just not because of the reasons that you are thinking.
He prefers space because this is what he’s used to. When he’s had moments where he was scared or felt alone, he was, in fact, alone. He’s found this to be the norm, but it’s important that you engage with your man and let him know you aren’t going to be leaving him all of a sudden. Show him what safety and security are really like, and he’ll fall head over heels for you!
While it may seem silly, especially if you have been with your partner for a long time, it’s crucial that you reassure him that you aren’t going anywhere. An avoidant partner lacks trust and often inadvertently pushes people away as a sort of coping mechanism. It’s important that he knows you aren’t going to get sick of him one day and disappear.
It might be difficult to be in a relationship with an avoidant partner, but it’s important that you don’t give up easily. People who have an avoidant attachment style avoid intimacy because it means they have to open themselves up to the possibility of hurt and pain. No one enjoys getting hurt, but these partners really have trouble trusting others.
There’s a great possibility that when he was younger, he was abandoned by his parents or guardian, so you must be willing to listen and try to understand where he’s coming from. Sometimes, a partner like this was discarded from a past lover, which has made it hard for him to trust another woman with his heart and soul.
If you want him to open up and let you in, you need to try to understand his history and learn from it. What happened to him in his past that made him feel so afraid? If he isn’t comfortable talking about it, don’t force the issue. Only discuss it when he’s ready to open up about his past. That way, it comes from his heart, not from your analysis.
When you are ready to express your feelings, go ahead and do so, but don’t pressure him to do the same. There’s a good chance that if you feel that way, he does as well. However, he might just still be unsure about the relationship and not ready to open up. Avoidant personality types don’t trust or share easily with their partners.
Avoidant types find fighting and drama to be the norm, so you might see your partner throw a tantrum for no reason. Of course, if he gets violent or abusive in any way, seek help. Generally, they are just used to the drama of fights and want them to continue as a sign that everything is normal with their partner.
If your partner picks a fight, try not to engage with him. He could be reliving something from his childhood or past partners, so just disengage and give him the space he needs to cool off. If he continues to try to fight when you refuse to fight back, it’s smart to just let him know you need some space and will be staying one night elsewhere.
If your partner is ready to open up about his past or his current feelings for you, be sure that you are willing to listen with an open heart. He may not tell you everything that you want to hear, but at least he is making an effort. At times like this, you need to be certain you listen intently and offer real feedback rather than just hearing what he has to say.
There will probably be times when your partner acts in an irrational way. When this happens, it’s best to give him the time and space he needs to sort out his feelings. Some guys just need time to think things over. For women, this is torture, as we want to know what’s on their minds and why they won’t talk to us about the issue.
Just try to understand that we are different partners and feel different ways. An avoidant partner may need time to decide what he thinks about what you have said, or your partner might want time to process his feelings about the way things are today as compared to his childhood. You just never know what’s going on, so give him time.
You don’t have to completely mirror the behavior of your partner, and that’s especially not recommended if your partner is angry at you, but being on his side, emotionally, is a good idea. If your partner is sad about something that happened to him at work, try to be empathetic and give him the same type of response. Show you feel his pain.
Just like giving him time when fighting is important, so is giving him space. Many guys like to have time away from the fight to figure out their next move. It’s annoying; I know, but it’s just the way they work. If you don’t give them the space they need, they could end up saying or doing something that both of you regret.
Some guys end relationships when they feel boxed in. Don’t make him feel that way when you can just as easily take a break from each other for an hour or so. That way, both of you can cool off and come back to each other calmly and more collected.
There will be times when you cannot meet his needs. As he deals with the disappointment of being let down, just be there for him as a friend. Help him in whatever way you can.
It’s easy to create drama in a peaceful, healthy relationship when it’s not needed. Watch a reality television show or something, and it will fuel you right up. Try to avoid starting drama with an avoidant partner. It just makes things worse in an already challenging situation. If he starts the drama, make sure you don’t engage in it with him.
Often, people with avoidant personality types “test” their partner by starting a fight to see if they will actually abandon or leave over something stupid. Instead of engaging, just take some quiet time, and ignore the issue at hand. You don’t have to ignore your partner, but you may want to ignore whatever he said just to “get to you.”
With avoidants, you will find that emotions trump everything. If he is upset over something, anything you do or say will be on the back burner. Before your feelings can be addressed properly and with his full attention, you need to acknowledge what’s going on with him. Ask yourself why he’s so upset and deal with that issue first.
If you are dealing with a partner who is in the middle of a divorce, you may want to take a break from the relationship to give him time to sort things out with his ex. If your partner is avoidant because of his ex, you may want to give him time to heal from his wounds to see if he’s better equipped to deal with healthy relationships going forward.
Frustrated that he doesn't pay you as much attention as he used to?
This is one of the most common issues our female readers face.
The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him today.
Watch this free video (click on the link to watch) that my friend recorded which explains how you can become his priority!
It’s important that you don’t dwell on the past when working through a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Mindfulness is all about focusing on the present, not on things that have already been hashed out.
Try to understand that he may be taking something out on you that really has nothing to do with you. In those cases, just don’t take it personally. Just try to relate in the best way that you can. He’s coming from a different place than you, so just comfort him and give him space when he needs it.
One of the biggest conflicts your man probably feels in relationships is a lack of safety and security. Help him here by making him feel safe. Tell him you aren’t planning on going anywhere and will help him get through whatever issues he is facing.
The avoidant attachment style partner may have multiple attachment styles. For example, the avoidant attachment style often coincides with the anxious attachment style, which means he easily gets anxious but may not show obvious signs. This anxiety is probably due to the inconsistency he had when he was a child or a young adult.
To best handle this type of partner, you need to let him know that you are there for him and won’t be going anywhere. Of course, if you do not feel a connection with the partner, don’t lead him or her on. Always put honesty first with your significant other.
After you have given your partner plenty of space, be sure to return to them to help them understand you are not going anywhere. Frequently, avoidant personalities are insecure and expect to be abandoned or left for any reason.
Counseling for relationships is always a smart idea. It gives you both a chance to sort out your feelings and ideas of how relationships should go with a neutral party. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help, even if you have a healthy relationship. You may want to make it a regular session if it helps the two of you sort out your issues.
You can often find relationship counseling online, where a third-party can help you both get a chance to speak freely, expressing what you feel and how you believe the relationship is going. Then, the counselor or therapist is able to make an assessment as to what you both should do after the session is over. It can be a rewarding experience.
Make sure you let your partner know that you will always be by their side. Express your emotions even if you don’t get the same response back. They still want to feel love and safety, so let them know you care and will always be there for them.
Yes. Avoidant partners feel the same emotions that other people do, but they may show it in different ways. You may find that your avoidant partner may hide his feelings more as a way of protecting himself from any rejection or pain. They worry about being hurt by others.
While an avoidant person may not show emotions in the same way that you or I do, they still feel them. He may decide not to stay in relationships where he gets jealous because it makes him feel like the person is not as committed to him as he needs.
Since avoidant people generally act confident with their decisions, it can be hard to tell, but they feel the same emotions that everyone else does. They just show them differently. An avoidant partner may feel regret but decides not to act on it out of pride or another emotion.
Some avoidant partners probably feel like they made a mistake when breaking up with their exes, but many move on quickly after relationships end. They often choose to look forward rather than back when it comes to past relationships due to a fear of rejection.
What has been your experience with this attachment type? Have you fallen in love with someone like this before? How did you best deal with the situation? What suggestions do you have for our readers?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and opinion! Please share this blog post, and comment!
Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
We hear this all the time from women that contact us asking for help with their relationship.
The thing is that which causes men to behave this way is actually something how men are wired. Once you understand how this works, it's relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him today.
My friend uploaded a quick video which you can watch here (click on the link to watch) where he explains how you can turn this behavior around!