He Left Me For Another Woman (9 Ways To Move Past The Pain)

by April Maccario

At some point, at least 20% of married women will utter the words ‘my husband left me for another woman,' according to a study by the Institute for Family Studies. Your husband leaving for someone else is an existential fear for many women, one that almost seems to come through regardless of what you do. When it happens, you will feel so many things—rage, sadness, frustration, shame, resentment, etc.

At the end of these perfectly normal emotional reactions is the question of what to do. The answer is not always clear, particularly when his decision comes out of the blue. 

My partner once left me for another relationship. Thanks to this experience, I can help other women who get caught in the headlights of their ex’s betrayal. I have compiled a list of the things you should do when he leaves you for a new relationship.

He Left The Relationship for Another Woman

1. You have to accept that he might be gone for good

Even though women have an innate fear that their husbands will leave them for a different woman, no one expects it to happen to them. So, when it unfortunately happens, it takes a minute to accept that he is gone. However, the truth is, if you plan on healing and getting your life back, you must accept that he has left you.

Acceptance is how you open yourself up to going through the stages of grief, eventually coming out of the other side, a better woman. The longer you hold on to the idea he is coming back, the longer the pain stays with you.

An excellent way to get here is to remember that by leaving you for a new woman, he is saying she is better for him than you are. If he is right, he is not coming back. And if he is not, you shouldn’t be with a man who doesn't recognize your value.

2. Let yourself go through the pain

There is a lot of mental turbulence that will happen when your partner abandons you for a new partner. We have enough stories of women driven to insanity by it. A lot of the time that comes from the refusal to heal appropriately. The way to do that is to let yourself go through the pain.

Have a good cry and let it last for days. Destroy the physical memories of the two lying around like photo albums, picture frames, vacation memorabilia, etc. Do whatever you feel like doing (within legal lines, of course), but do not compress the pain. Let it all out. The person you trusted with your life betrayed you, and it is okay to feel a crushing amount of pain. Doing so doesn’t make you weak.

After you have dealt with the pain and have reached emotional catharsis, you can now move to the next stage of your life.

3. Remember it is not your fault

Acceptance, pain, and guilt are emotions you might feel simultaneously, but you won’t necessarily deal with them simultaneously. Even after the pain is gone, you might find yourself thinking it is your fault. Maybe you could have loved him better. Perhaps you didn’t shave your legs enough or turned down sex too many times.

I, too, blamed myself when he left me for another woman, but the truth is, it is not your fault, and it is never your fault. A man who has chosen to betray his commitment to you will do so regardless of what you do. Because as much as love drives commitment, so does personal character. If he won’t keep his word to you, it is a failure of his character.

Remember that if something was wrong with your relationship, he chose not to work on it with you. Instead, he abandoned the ship. That is cowardice, and the cowardice of your ex is never your fault.

4. Try not to compare yourself with the other woman

The other side to internalizing that it is not your fault is to refrain from comparing yourself with his new love. Yes, because you are human, you will take a look at her and try to find what she has or do better that is better than what you have. While you might learn valuable information for self-improvement by doing so, it is a rabbit hole that leads to self-loathing and resentment.

Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter how great you are and how bad his new lover seems, if you look hard enough, you will find something she has that you don’t. But have to remember that your husband or boyfriend left because of how the combination of everything that defines who she is makes him feel.

Whatever trait you think she has that you don’t isn't something you can just buy and fix on yourself. You are a human being, not a piece of equipment whose parts are replaceable to become something else.

5. Consult a therapist or counselor

Not all of us are lucky enough to have friends who will be willing to listen to us go through the pain of a break up for weeks or months. After some time, they get tired, and we start feeling like we are whining. 

That is why you need a therapist or counselor, someone trained and paid to listen to you, however long you need. You can use them for however long you need, and find the right answers to those common heartbreak questions like why he abandoned your relationship.

One other benefit of this is perspective. Because they are trained in the psychology of everything you are feeling, they have better insight into how you can get over it and get your life back on track. Let them help you walk through your emotions and heal wholesomely.

6. Find yourself

When your husband or boyfriend left you, he chose himself. It is time for you to do the same and love yourself. One of the reasons this type of break up hurts so much is because you have lost yourself in the relationship.

Months and years of being together have turned you into a ‘we’ instead of an ‘I.’ Your next step is to find yourself. Regain your independence in thought, ambition, and all-round personal care and self love. Have you always wanted to lose weight? Sign up for the gym. Do you want to travel the world? Book a flight. Want to change jobs, but you didn’t want to force him to relocate? Apply.

You are free now, and you have the chance to use this freedom to become a better version of yourself. And the side benefit of this? Your ex lover might come to regret their decision because of it.

7. Keep living and get busy

Keep living and get busy

The pain of losing someone you love this way lasts as long as you dwell on it. Once you have spent a healthy amount of time dealing with the emotional fallout, it is time to get busy. Burying yourself in activities is an excellent way to get over the betrayal and move on with your life. Although in practice, it may look like you are using work to avoid dealing with the pain, there is a subtle but essential difference.

The decision here is driven by a need to engage in activities that improve your life in the long run. This includes improving your work performance, eating right, and spending time with friends. You are not avoiding feeling things, but rather choosing positive emotions, and more importantly, preventing self-destructive actions.

It will be hard at first because wallowing in your sadness is easier. But the more you engage yourself, the more the weight of the pain gets lighter until one day, it is completely gone.

8. Do not go chasing after him

This is something that will not come easy, but you must do it. Do not go after him. You will be tempted to. You will pick up the phone to beg for you to get back together. You will make concessions hoping it will get him to reconsider. Do not do it.

One, if he turns you down, it will create further damage to your self-esteem and make the pain worse than it was in the first place. Two, if he returns, the relationship may never be the same, and you might end up wishing you let him go. This could create a different set of problems.

Lastly, remember that whatever his reason might be for leaving you, you are still valuable, desirable, and deserve to be loved. Just because he doesn’t recognize your worth doesn’t mean that there aren’t a few men out there who will kill to be with you. Rather than chase him, reconnect with your value and let it drive you.

9. Stay single for a while

Finally, you should avoid rushing into a new relationship. The answer to ‘he left me for someone else’ isn’t ‘I will find another man.’ Your life isn’t defined by having a husband or a boyfriend. If you need a distraction, engage in time-consuming hobbies, and if you want sex, keep it casual. Nothing that involves interacting outside of the bedroom.

This is important, because your husband’s decision to leave you, while painful, presents an opportunity for you to improve and get back everything you lost while you were together. Work on any possible flaw that may have influenced his decision. If you throw yourself into a new relationship immediately, you might lose that advantage.

Keep away from serious relationships for a minute, work on yourself, and make sure you are in a better place, emotionally and mentally. When you achieve this, you can get into a new relationship and fall in love, safe knowing that if it ends, it is not the end.

FAQs

How do I deal with my husband leaving me for another woman?

Keep on living. Your life doesn’t end because of the actions of your husband. Go through the pain, and it will get easier with each day until it is over. Improve yourself, not because you want him back, but because years of being together left you with unfulfilled goals. Pursue them, and you will find happiness again.

What percent of couples stay together after infidelity?

Although infidelity is still a leading cause of divorce, fewer couples are breaking up because of it. According to Divorce Magazine, more than 60% of couples who experienced infidelity survive. But surviving is subjective. You might find it hard to regain the trust and commitment of your relationship after the betrayal.

Will a husband regret leaving his wife?

Maybe. Maybe not. It comes down to why your ex-husband left for another woman. If your focus is on the hope that he will regret leaving you, that might never happen, and it could make your pain last longer than it should. Instead, focus on building a life you are happy with for yourself. You can never go wrong with focusing on yourself.

Do husbands come back after separation?

According to studies, the chances of a couple getting together after separation ranges from 10% to 72%. The chances of a reunion with your husband depend on why you separated in the first place. But while it is okay to hope that your husband returns to you someday with love, don’t let it be your focus. Your life shouldn’t be built around the whims of another person.

Do ex-husbands miss their wives?

Some husbands leave their wives because they want something new and exciting. In cases like this, the husband ends up missing the wife, but eventually, new and exciting can become old and boring. This is when flaws magnify and regret forces ex-husbands to miss their wives, and if the regret is strong enough, they attempt to return to their wives.

In Conclusion...

A husband who leaves for a new relationship is a pain no one deserves to go through, but it is not the end of the world. By taking this advice, you will get over the grief and live a successful life. I hope you enjoyed reading, and it provided some succor to the hurt. 

Let me know your thoughts in the comments and feel free to share this article with others.

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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