7 Reasons You Don’t Want To Fall In Love (And What To Do About It)

by April Maccario

Falling in love is the definition of pure bliss. Your brain releases those wonderful feel-good chemicals that make you feel like you’re on top of the world. 

Your view is more optimistic than it has ever been before. You dream of a wedding and family vacation. Then, the breakup happens. The higher you go, the harder you fall and the more it hurts when you land. 

Then, there are the people that don’t want to be in love at all. Maybe this was because you fell too hard in the past and it hurt. Maybe it’s because you’re scared to feel vulnerable. Maybe, you aren’t sure why you don’t want to take a chance with love, and that’s what led you to this article. Regardless, it’s worth looking into. 

Why Don’t I Want To Fall In Love?

We all have our own reasons. Personally, I don’t want to fall in love because I had a perfect life. The fiance and the children. The beach vacation. The perfectly planned future wedding. Then, reality hit, and my world crashed down around me. I’m scared to go through that again. 

We all have our past, our baggage, and our personal reasons. If you don’t know what your reasoning is, these common reasons might help you figure out why you don’t want to fall in love.

1. You’ve been hurt

Nothing hurts your heart quite like that moment when your world comes crashing down around you, and I mean nothing. If you’ve been hurt in the past, you’ll never forget that feeling. If you fall in love, you instantly take the risk of feeling that with a new person all over again. It can be a scary risk to take. 

2. You watched your parents’ marriage crumble

you watch your parents' marriage crumble

If you watched your parents go through a messy divorce or watched a parent have a constant rotation of partners, it can leave you with a skewed image of love in your mind. You might be associating love with pain, or as a temporary moment of happiness because this is what you watched growing up. 

3. Love means being tied down

Love means focusing on another person. This has an impact on your life, where you travel, and what you cook for dinner. It means that you don’t get to be selfish anymore. Some people are not ready for this yet, or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. 

4. Fear of rejection

Sometimes, we have an underlying fear of rejection. We are scared that we will fall in love with someone but they won’t love us back the same way. Because of this, we reject the idea of love to avoid falling in love altogether. This breeds the feeling that we simply don’t want to fall in love when really we’re just scared that the other person will not like us once we open up. 

5. Low self-worth

When we don’t think very highly of ourselves, there are two things that can happen. The first is that we wind up in toxic relationships, which then hurt us and reinforce the idea that love hurts. The second is that we avoid them altogether. 

This is because we are scared that other people will only see the negative things about us because we focus on the negative things about ourselves. When you don’t realize how wonderful you are, it can be hard to imagine that someone else will think you’re the best thing in the world. So, you don’t want to fall in love out of fear

6. Issues with attachment or commitment

Attachment theory states that we have to have a secure, loving, trusting relationship with a caregiver when we are young in order to become emotionally stable adults. 

If this doesn’t happen, it can result in us having a fear of attachment. Not only this, but this form of secure attachment is not normal for people that grow up with an insecure attachment, so it can create chaos in their brains when they are in that type of relationship. This is commonly seen in individuals that have childhood trauma or suffered from abuse or neglect when there were young. 

7. Career comes first

Some people throw themselves into their careers. It involves a lot of education and long hours at the office. This leaves little room in their life for love or relationships. If you fall into this category, you don’t run from love, but you don’t have time for it either. 

Do You Want To Fall In Love?

Some of us want to fall in love again someday, but we’re genuinely terrified. Others are content being by themselves for the rest of their lives because the risk of heartache is just not worth it. 

If you do not want to fall in love, but would like to make it to the other end of the spectrum that is comfortable with love, there is hope. However, the only way to change is if you want to change. 

Overcoming Your Fear Of Falling In Love

overcoming your fear of falling in love

Often, we don’t want to fall in love because we are scared (except for that one that is too busy with careers, traveling, etc.). This could be a fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of being vulnerable with a partner, or fear of turning out as your parents or friends did. Whatever the reason, if you’re ready to overcome your fear of love, these tips will help you get there one baby step at a time. 

1. Find the root of the problem

If you don’t want to fall in love, there is an underlying reason behind this. It’s not something that just pops out of thin air. In order to move past this one thing, you have to get to the root of the problem. This means taking a hard look at your childhood. 

Were you abused or neglected? What were the relationships that you were exposed to during your childhood? Was there a particular event that happened that led to this fear? 

2. Consider therapy

If you have unresolved childhood trauma or are having a hard time figuring out the underlying issue, a professional can help. Not only can a certified professional help you discover the underlying problem, but they can also help guide you through the process of facing your fear

3. Practice with friends

If you have a fear of intimacy, are scared of being vulnerable, or simply avoid getting close to people, there is a good chance that this is spilling over into friendships. 

Start opening up to friends that you already have or family members. Tell them about your day or about something that you’re going through. Vent to your parents about something you’re having a rough time with. Ask a friend for advice. Those little things that require you to reveal something about yourself will slowly help you open up more to people in general, which can later help you open up to falling in love. 

4. Find someone worth the risk

After being hurt, it’s normal to be cautious about falling in love. Falling in love is a huge risk for our hearts, and there’s no way to control what the other person does or doesn’t do. We know when we’re falling in love that there’s a chance someone will hurt our feelings. 

Because of this, some people find a person that they deem is worth the risk. Maybe there is one thing or another thing that makes them stand out from the crowd. Maybe we think they might be the ones that we would want to spend forever with. This is how we justify falling in love again, or find the will to want to. 

Tips For Your Next Relationship

If you’re finally ready to jump back into the dating scene, it can be scary. You might be worried about things other than love, like a string of abusive partners that led to you repeating the cycle. 

This coupled with a fear of trusting someone else can make you wanna fall down the stairs instead of someone that will wanna fall in love but don’t run away just yet. These tips will help you make it through the dating scene, and finally, open up instead of running away. 

1. Learn prevention strategies

If you’re want to avoid one thing, in particular, that isn’t love, learn prevention methods. For example, if you grew up in an abusive household and have seen that same cycle in your adult life it can be helpful to learn red flags to watch out for so that you don’t repeat previous patterns. This can also be relaxing because you know that you’re headed in the right direction, which will make you want to trust someone a little bit more. 

2. Take it slow

Don’t throw yourself all in with someone on the first date. You don’t have to trust someone instantly. In fact, most people don’t. This takes time. Instead, start with getting to know the basics, like their favorite color. You don’t want to go too fast or it will get scary pretty quickly. 

3. Enjoy the experience

enjoy the experience

Once you start dating, you’ll find that topics to talk about aren’t that hard to come up with. The more people you meet, you’ll discover that everyone isn’t mean or abusive. Even if you’re not compatible with a man, you can still talk to them and practice opening up a little bit. Dating is practice for the real thing, especially when you’re scared of relationships. 

4. Recognize your own energy

Too often, we second guess ourselves. We look for evidence for things that we already know. We ignore our intuition with every fiber in our being because we want a boyfriend or girlfriend. Instead, have a little faith in yourself. Pay attention to your energy when a person is around. If they make you feel negative, that’s a red flag

FAQs

What to do if you don't want to fall in love?

If you don’t want to fall in love, you need to ask yourself why you feel that way. Then, determine if you want to change. If you do, it’s time to face your fears. Learn why you’re afraid, and then join the dating scene again. 

Can you choose not to fall in love?

No, you can’t. You can choose to run as fast as you can in the other direction or to avoid eye contact with that one person that gives you butterflies. However, no matter how much you avoid the person, the butterflies will still be there. 

Why don’t I want a relationship?

People don’t want a relationship for a wide array of reasons. This could be because they are committed to their work, or due to their addictions, whether those are drugs or the gym. Regardless of the reason, understand that it’s okay not to want a relationship. Don’t jump into one because society thinks you should. 

Can you eventually fall in love with someone?

Yes, you can. Falling in love with someone requires time, patience, and being vulnerable. Those that fall in love quickly are often experiencing lust, not love. As someone opens up more, you’ll eventually do the same, which is what leads to most people falling in love with that special one.

Why can't I love someone who loves me?

Either you are suffering from a psychological disorder, such as Emotional Deprivation Disorder, that makes you incapable of loving them or you simply don’t. Sometimes our hearts are looking for something and they just don’t have it. Don’t give up, though. It doesn’t mean that no one has it.  

In Conclusion

When you’re scared of falling in love, it can be a constant battle inside yourself. Have you ever been afraid of falling for someone? How did you move past it?

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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