29 Questions To Ask Before Defining the Relationship With Your Man

Last updated on June 13, 2022 by April Maccario

For many people, defining the relationship (DTR) is a difficult thing to do. They don’t want to ruin the flow of how things are, especially when everything appears to be going according to their plans. 

This is especially true for people that don’t want a relationship to get serious. Unfortunately, for these people, we don’t always get what we want in life.

Most people in a relationship that has lasted ten dates or more want to know where things are headed. That’s why it’s important to be on the same page as the person you are dating. You want the other person to feel the same way about you as you do them. 

As a woman, I’ve personally gone through this many times in my life. Men have tried to string me along when they don’t really want a relationship; instead, they want to have fun. When this happens, I feel like I’m being used and have to have that difficult DTR conversation; they usually just don’t have the same relationship expectations that I do. 

In this article, we’ll dive in and take a look at relationships and what you should ask before committing to anyone. 


When Is It Time To Have A “Define The Relationship” Conversation?

According to eHarmony, you should know whether someone is worth your time after just a couple of dates! I know that’s hard to believe! However, if you read on, you’ll see that the author wants you to get the most out of those few dates by asking the right questions to the person. 

In other words, you can tell whether you want a committed relationship with your partner after just a few dates, but you must invest in getting to know them well. After those strategically planned dates and conversations, you should have the answers you need.

In this post, we’ll go through questions you can ask your partner to determine if you want to take the relationship to the next level or part ways. Knowing the right moment to have this conversation may be tricky, but if you follow Dr. Seth’s advice, you should know when the time is right. After all, you don’t want to waste your time, do you?

Why Should You Have A “Define The Relationship” Conversation?

why should you have a define the relationship conversation

So, do you think you are ready to define a relationship but aren’t positive? You want to make sure you are agreed upon how much commitment you want. If he’s looking for a serious relationship and you aren’t, it’s important one of you speaks up.

If you are totally unsure where you stand with your partner, speak up. It’s a tough conversation to have with another person, but don’t live in limbo. If you decide to forego the conversation, you may find it difficult to explain who this person is.

Do you introduce him as your boyfriend or just someone you’re dating? Are you allowed to date other people? Regardless, one of you should say something about the status of your relationship, especially if you’ve been dating one another for a month or more.

Questions You Should Ask Before Having A Defined Relationship

1. Does He Want To Be Exclusive?

Is he dating other people, or does he want to? How serious is he about you? 

2. Do You Want To Be Exclusive?

You don’t have to just date one person if you don’t want to. Just make sure you aren’t leading on the other person, making them think that you are exclusive when you are not.

3. Will He Respect Your Alone Yime And Give You The Space You Need?

When you want to be alone or do something without him, can he handle that, or is he clingy, needing constant attention?

4. Does He Have A Problem With “Girls’ Night?”

Will he let you have your time with friends without interference or a guilt trip?

5. Does He Respect Your Beliefs And Values?

You may have great differences, but before “going steady” with this person, you should make sure he respects what you believe and value.

6. Does He Make You Happy?

does he make you happy?

You should know how you feel around this person. Does he make you feel better about yourself? Does he make you a better individual?

7. Is He Secure In Who He Is?

Does he rely on you for his happiness? If so, that isn’t great. He should be confident in who he is, sure of himself, and not be dependent on you for his joy in life.

8. Does He Know What He Wants Out Of Life?

It’s a great idea if he is secure in his future and doesn’t have his life in a chaotic state, especially if you are looking to get serious with someone.

9. Do You Know What You Want In This Relationship?

There’s really no point in having this conversation if you don’t know what you want out of it. Unless he brings it up, you don’t have to! Just go with the flow if you’re happy with the way things are.

10. Do You Have Common Interests?

Do the two of you have things that you enjoy doing together? In other words, are you compatible?

11. How Does He Feel About You?

Have you recently had a conversation in which you discussed your relationship? You really don’t want to have that conversation again if you’ve just hashed it out. Believe in his actions relating to how he feels about you.

12. What Does He Think About Your Family?

Family relations are a crucial part of any romantic entanglement. He should respect your boundaries and let you be a part of the family in the way you always have without interference.

13. What Is Your Long-Term Goal For Your Love Life?

If you aren’t sure of what you want for your future, don’t have this conversation. If he brings it up, explain your true feelings about what you want.

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14. Is He Someone You Can Picture Having A Future With?

You may have a lot of fun and great sex with your partner, but if you don’t see this relationship as something you want in the future, you’re just kidding yourself.

15. What Is Your Sex Life Like?

what is your sex life like

How compatible are the two of you? What is your intimacy level like?

16. When Was His Last Relationship?

It’s a smart idea to find out if you are a rebound to him or not. You don’t want to just be a “therapy too” for him.

17. How Long Did His Last Relationship Last?

If you can bring up something like this, you may be able to find out his weaknesses when it comes to relationships.

18. Has He Ever Been Married?

Determine what his past serious relationships were like as an indicator of how he will be with you.

19. Does He Have Kids?

Do you want to have stepchildren someday? Can you accept having his ex in the picture?

20. How Often Does He See His Kids?

Does he even have time for a serious relationship with you?

21. Does He Accept Your Children?

You may have plenty of fun with him, but accepting your children should be a dealbreaker.

22. Why Did He Get A Divorce?

If his excuse is that he got “bored” or something, you may be seeing a glimpse of your future with him, so get him to divulge why the marriage ended.

23. How Long Was He Married?

This is another great question to find out his longevity when it comes to relationships.

24. Have You Healed From Your Past Relationships?

Like him, you need to know if you are using him as a rebound!

25. Do You Have Baggage He Needs To Accept?

Come clean about any baggage you are carrying around, so you’ll know whether he’ll accept you completely.

26. Can You Be Yourself Around Him?

can you be yourself around him?

Do you feel comfortable telling him your feelings when you feel them? Are you open and honest with him about who you really are?

27. Does He Accept Your Faults?

If you are scared to admit one of your flaws to him, you may not want to get serious until you are ready to tell all.

28. How Often Do The Two Of You Argue And Fight?

This question should give you a glimpse of your future with this guy.

29. Do You Have Shared Beliefs Values?

While this is more important if you are thinking of marriage or serious commitment, you don’t want to waste time on someone who you don’t see a future with.


When should you define the relationship?

It’s a good idea to have a DTR conversation when you are considering whether to be exclusive or not. If you will be devoting all of your time, energy, and effort toward only one person, you should know whether they will be doing the same.

Is defining the relationship necessary?

If you want to know where you stand, where things are going, and stuff like that, you’ll want to have an honest conversation with the partner. That way, you will understand how they feel about you and perhaps even why things aren’t going at the pace you want.

What are the 4 types of relationships?

There are many types of relationships; some classify them as friendships, acquaintances, romantic relationships, and family. Some people look at the behavior in the relationship to determine what type of relationship they truly are in. Destructive, toxic, abusive, and addictive relationships are just a few of these.

What are the 5 stages of relationships?

Typically, you are first attracted to the individual; then, you take the time to get to know them; next, you begin to merge your life with theirs; after that, you start to have feelings of love; finally, love blossoms into an intimate relationship, which usually results in commitment.

What is the 10 date rule?

The rule simply means that after 10 dates, a man is more likely to commit to the person he’s gone on dates with. This is a great measure of when it’s time to define the relationship and figure out if you want to commit or not.

To Sum Things Up…

Are you in the middle of trying to define the relationship you are in? Which way are you leaning? What kind of relationship are you currently in, and how do you plan on having your DTR conversation? I’d love to hear all about it! Please share this post and comment!

Do you hate it how everything seems to always revolve round him while you just seem to be an afterthought sometimes?
We hear this all the time from women that contact us asking for help with their relationship.

It almost makes you wonder whether he actually likes you or whether he's just stringing you along.

Why don't you take this quick free quiz to see if he actually likes you!

April Maccario
I'm a huge nerd when it comes to understanding how relationships between men and women work, and what drives a certain behavior. I spend much of my time getting into the nitty-gritty and try to share my findings on this site with the hope of making life a little easier for women that are struggling in their relationships or love life.

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